The blog of author Dennis Cooper

Sad Story *

* (restored)

—-

Schoolmate: You know if you jump off the high dive platform 
the wrong way you can break your neck and die.
Jonathan Brandis: Really? That’s … that’s .. interesting.

 

 

God’s voice: If you want my advice, you’re going to kill yourself 
when you’re twenty-seven anyway, so go ahead.
Jonathan Brandis: But if I live until I’m twenty-seven, I’ll be even 
more famous and have a lot of fun, right?

 

 

God’s voice: Honestly? You’ll make a bunch of bad movies and star 
in a bad TV series, and by the time you die, no one will 
remember you or care. But if you do it now, there are 
all these girls and boys who will feel really sad, 
and it’ll be a tragic loss.

 

 

Jonathan Brandis: So guess what? God told me I’m going to kill myself 
when I’m twenty-seven. Weird, right?
Dad: There’s no arguing with God, that’s for sure.

 

 

Jonathan Brandis: But if I kill myself now, God says it’ll have a much 
bigger impact on the world.
Dad’s voice: God knows everything, that’s for sure. 

 

 

Jonathan Brandis: So I’m going to put my suicide note on the table 
next to my bed. I mean if you want to read it.
Dad’s voice: I guess I’ll want to read it, yeah.

 

 

Jonathan Brandis: If I don’t do this right, I might just end up 
paralyzed and pathetic.  Can you help me, God?
God’s voice: You being paralyzed is not an uninteresting idea. 
It worked for Christopher Reeve.

 

 

Jonathan Brandis: But I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to 
inspire hope. I want to make people cry and imagine what a famous 
star and handsome guy I would have grown up to be.
God’s voice: All right, fine, let me think for a second.

 

 

God’s voice: There. That’s Niagara Falls. Now you can jump any way 
you want, and you’ll definitely die. Happy?
Jonathan Brandis: Yeah, very.

 

 

Jonathan Brandis: Look at all those boys and girls down there 
looking up at me and thinking, ‘That’s Jonathan Brandis. He’s my 
favorite actor. Oh my God, he’s going to jump. What’s wrong with 
him? Someone please stop him.’

 

 

God’s voice: Hey, kid, you want him to jump? I can make him jump.
Boy standing by Niagara Falls: Yeah, make him jump.

—-

 

 

*

p.s. Hey. Happy Xmas if you’re doing that whole thing. This year, DC’s Xmas gift to you is this cheerful little ditty I made for the murdered incarnation of my blog some years ago. ** Golnoosh, And a very merry one to you too, dear Golnoosh! Aw, thanks for the card-related thought. If I made them, your letter box would most certainly have opened up to reveal it. Love and festiveness to you! ** David Ehrenstein, Hi. Very true about his film criticism. I’m not sure why I didn’t think to include some in the post. Odd. Everyone, Your Xmas won’t be complete until it receives holiday good wishes from Mr. E’s FaBlog thusly. ** Jack Skelley, Hey, Jack! May your Xmas tree shed gold doubloons. I think unreliability delivered through a steely gaze is the New Novelists’ forte maybe even. Don’t tell anyone but I like the Miley/Flaming Lips collab too. ** _Black_Acrylic, Hi, B, merry merry! Well, to be fair, I only restored a pre-existing thing today, which is not to say that chasing down its elements in the muck of data that Google returned to me is not work, I guess. Maybe start with ‘The Mise-en-Scène’. It might be his most lauded tome. ** Bill, Finding a copy of ‘Law and Order’ is no small task, but if anyone can negotiate that hunt, it’s you. Coding workshop: I’m sure that’s not as exciting for you as it sounds to me. Joyous X! ** Damien Ark, Hi, D. Well, I’m a hardcore atheist so I share your objectivity. There’s some other famous quote about arriving that I can’t remember at the moment. Oh, and there’s the title of a Three O’Clock album: ‘Arrive Without Traveling.’ ** Tosh Berman, Hi, T. I’m sure you know the great John O’Brien died just recently. The great news is that some other publisher whose name escapes me bought Dalkey just before he died and has pledged to not only keep its immeasurable and untouchably mostly great backlist in print but to continue acquiring new DA titles. So we will see, but that’s promising. Dalkey had pretty much been dead in the water for the past 4 or 5 years, so it’s ultimately a very good thing, I suspect. ** Jeff J, Howdy, Jeff. I hope this most famous of mornings is dumping an avalanche of packages on you. ‘The Mise-en-Scène’ is probably your Ollier starting point, but ‘Disconnection’ is great too if that’s easier to find. Great about the semester’s ending and the hard dedication to writing. Double excellence. Wintery hugs. ** Dominik, Hey, Dominick! So truly awesome to see you, my friend! And a towering Xmas to you! I’m doing fine. My world is fairly quiet right now since everyone I know is away from Paris for their holidays. I’m procrastinating re: working on two things I agreed to write but wish I hadn’t agreed to write so I’m more avoiding working than actually working at the moment. Yay, you’re not only working for Proofed, but you actually are enjoying it! Congrats, pal! I sounds awesome, and, yeah, like a great start towards editing what you truly want. You sound great! It’s sad: I don’t have any sweets in my house to gorge on today apart from some ancient chocolate that I daren’t. I do have a frozen pizza that I’m going to slide into my microwave a little later on. Love that turns your refrigerator door into the secret entrance into Santa’s workshop, Dennis. ** Misanthrope, If lack of surprise could kill, mine would, ha ha. Ah, your first rejection email. Sorry, bud. They know not what they do, etc. It’s true, though. Guitar stands! Now that’s a unique Xmas present. Nice. I’ve never listened to Halsey. Or Shawn Mendes. I’m falling behind. Give Rigby a … wait, he hates Xmas like the plague, so just say hi. My holiday looks to be utterly absent of anything non-ordinary, but it’ll be all right. Enjoy the whole fete. ** politekid, Hey, O! A very merry Xmas to you! That’s a very fine Xmas gift, my friend. Very fine. And long awaited to boot. And now I have something to do today. I literally had nothing to do until you gifted me. Great, I’ll lapse into your sounds in just the briefest amount of time, and I will make mental notes. Yeah, thanks a lot! I am familiar with the greatness of ‘Neon Genesis Evangelion’, yes. I could use a little depression in my life, so maybe I’ll hunt it. So much luck about the PhD applications. And now think about anything but them for a while. They’d be fool not to snatch you, and I hope they aren’t. I’m okay. I’ve been sort of doing stuff of a moderately pleasant nature and thinking about doing things that are more than pleasant. The being stuck in Paris thing is getting a little old, which not great Paris’s fault. I hate NYE anyway, but we have an 8 pm curfew here so I won’t even wander down to watch the fireworks sputter and hurl about over the Eiffel Tower this year because there won’t be any. Lists! I haven’t read any of your books or comics. I’ve written down the titles. Huh: Just last night I saw ‘Koko-di Koko-da’ listed on an illegal site and thought, What the hell is that? It was in the Horror category. Okay, maybe I’ll watch that today. I too love the Burial and The Microphones 2020s. I don’t know why they weren’t on my list, even. Are you Xmas-ing up today in some potentially spectacular or just extra-comforting way? Hope so. Great to get to spend a bit of Xmas day with you, sir. ** Steve Erickson, Hi. Oh, well, I think Eilish is a lot more interesting as far that kind of thing goes, but whatev’, right? I’ll test out Ghost Hippies. I personally hope Yves Tumor doesn’t move any closer to the mainstream than he recently has, but that imminent drop makes it sounds like he is, drat. Paris has stopped being rained on for the first time in about six days, so that’s something. Happy Famous Day! ** Schlix, Hey, Uli! A very happy Xmas to you! I’m good. And you? You feeling festive today? Not me, but I don’t mind. It’s really nice to see you, sir. ** Ferdinand, And the same right back to you. And wishes for a freak Xmas snowstorm on your end. ** Okay. What’s done is done. One more warm Xmas greeting from DC’s and me, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

16 Comments

  1. David Ehrenstein

    Sad Stories are important this time of year as “Winter Solstice” a created the better to mitigate Seasonal Affect Disorder. Getttinng together with friend s and family and eating and drinking yourself silly is one way to keep the darkness at bay. Ofcourse no thanks to COVID we’ve got to keep our distance. But e can all still stay “in touch” on eay or anohter.And this blog is one of them.

    The noted ombie (if he did exist) as born in July. But Organied Reigion, being run bya cabal ofpushy thugs, moved it to December to swallo “inter Solstice” hole. Bah Humbug!

  2. Dominik

    Hi!!

    It’s really good to be here and talk to you too! And to celebrate the day with this warm little post.

    Oh, yes, the usual empty-Paris holiday situation. It’s pretty deserted around here too: neither my brother nor Anita came home this year, so it’s just a very small and quiet Christmas.

    Uh, those nightmare projects one wishes not to have said okay to… I’m sorry not even one but two are haunting you right now. Are they huge projects? Requiring tons of writing and time and energy?

    Thank you! I really am so happy that I finally found something I enjoy doing so much. Took me quite a while, haha, but I guess it doesn’t matter as I’m here now, and I get to go for it.

    Oh no! You don’t have any sweets?! No Bûche de Noël this year?

    Love sending you a distasteful amount of Christmas cookies of your choice, D.!

  3. David S. Estornell

    Beloved maestro, happy Christmas. I would like to meet you. Have a nice day.

  4. Jack Skelley

    Beautiful. Thank you, Dennis, for this, for all your generous eye-openers, and for those of your blog contributors/responders, whose ultra-wow, loving creativity is the best gift the world can get. New and old friends. That’s priceless.

  5. Bill

    Sad story indeed! Thanks for the restoration; I don’t think I saw this the first time around.

    It’s actually nice to spend the day around home, and not be rushing off to the airport or something. Hope everyone is having a good holiday…

    Bill

  6. Misanthrope

    Dennis, I remember this. 😀

    I talked to Mieze for an hour and a half last night, and then Rigby for…6 and a half hours. I was like, “Rigby, it’s 1:30 in the morning here.” He goes, “What? Feels like we’ve only been talking a couple hours.” Fact check: true, it felt like an hour or two. Just going back and forth as if we’re sitting on a couch in a living room and then being like, “We’ve been here that long?”

    Yeah, Riggers isn’t into the Xmas thing at all, hahaha.

    Hmm, let’s see. I got a $50 Amazon card from me mum, and Kayla got me chocolate covered cookies (an assortment), a Mandalorian t-shirt and 3 Star Wars masks to wear to the gym, and a guitar gift box that included polish, cleaner, picks, and a clip-on tuner.

    So a nice haul.

    Yeah, Kayla loves Halsey. I guess she’s got a nice voice? 😀

    Shawn Mendes…nice to look at sometimes. The music? Eek.

    Oh, yeah, I actually see that rejection email as a positive. Was telling Rigby that last night and he had the same feeling. Kind of like, it’s out there, something’s gotta give, it exists, etc. Not a bad thing at all, imo.

    We’ll be eating in a few hours. Ham, deviled eggs, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, etc. Should be a good day, methinks.

    Hope you’re well and have a stellar weekend, Big D.

  7. schlix

    Hey Dennis, thank you! And yes I am good. This year I had so big trouble healthwise. Always when I left one thing behind some new health problem arrived. Now at the end of the year it seems that body and soul regained calmness. I am very hopeful.
    Christmas was also very relaxed. After a careful quarantine I could visit my mom. But everything very relaxed – no festivity.
    How was your evening?
    I saw that the German translation of The Sluts is postponed and will hopefully arrive early 2021. I am very curious to read it and see how they managed this job. I think that most translations of your books into German a very well done. Okay sure a translated book is a differnt book but so it is double pleasure for me, haha.

  8. _Black_Acrylic

    A Sad Story indeed today, one that feels strangely apprpriate for the festive season. I did read up on Jonathan Brandis afterwards and well, it’s a punctuation mark to say the least.

    Today I did a bit of Covid-curtailed Xmassy stuff like this mini socially-distanced family soiree outdoors. Santa brought along a good haul of stuff too and I’ve been dipping into the Weatherall book, which is a fascinating oral history of the 80s UK House scene. The Audrey Szasz title is stunningly luxurious Infinity Land Press fare that would put most art monographs to shame. Can’t wait to dive in.

  9. Sypha

    Seem to recall some ne’er-do-well on Facebook being triggered by this posting back in the day and going off on a rant, ha ha… anyway hope you had a nice holiday Dennis

  10. politekid

    hi dc!

    oh i’m glad i could divert you today! my xmas was good, thanks — a comforting one, at home with my family. it was all very chilled out, food, presents, walk. my sister managed to get hold of a copy of Douglas Coupland’s _search_ which had been owned by Stephen Hawking of all people, which was a very cool present (opinions of Coupland notwithstanding… i still think _Microserfs_ & _JPod_ are fantastic time capsules tho, if nothing else). also, lots of coffees & socks. v welcome. did you end up doing anything spectacular?

    i know what you mean re: paris. or cities in general, i guess. embarrassingly it’s taken until this year for me to work out that i really love cities cos of all the stuff you can do in them, far more than anything inherently city-ish. now that cafes, theatres, galleries, clubs are all shut up, i’m suddenly q glad i’m still with my family on the outskirts. i don’t mind NYE but the last three or four years i’ve either been ill or no-one i know has bothered to organise anything, so it’s always a non-event (but lack of fireworks is tragic).

    i don’t know how i managed to read books you haven’t, that’s remarkable. lemme particularly recommend _The Complete BRUTE!_ — it was a series of zines in the 80s which drove pulp to the absolute extreme. each story in it is maybe fifty words long; it’s some of the greatest stylistic work ever set to paper. i think it had a bit of a cult moment when it first came out (an animated bumper on MTV, a short film was on channel 4 or something) but it weirdly disappeared, and this collected version has been in development hell for years and years. i’m glad they finally managed to get it out. _Koko-di Koko-da_ is a weird one! randomly turned up on BFI Player. i didn’t know where it was going to go even after i’d read a synopsis, which is usually a good sign. also i’m a sucker for cyclical trauma narratives.

    wishing you continued (if stored in the fridge overnight) christmas cheer!

  11. Steve Erickson

    Well, Tumor seems to have just contributed production to “let all the poisons that lurk in the mud seep out.” Have you ever seen them live?

    It was very pleasant to walk around New York in the early afternoon, just after it stopped raining. The city looked deserted, and almost every business was shut down, but it was warm enough to be comfortable.

    You and Zac should make a queer Christmas movie with a sense of humor along the lines of this post, now that the floodgates have opened with movies like HAPPIEST SEASON! The formulas of the Lifetime/Hallmark movie are ready to be perverted.

  12. Ian

    Merry Christmas Dennis. Thanks for all the work that goes into yr blog. The last order of books I had were mostly titles I took from yr blog and I enjoyed all of them. I am grateful to have a place where I can discover new and old.
    See you tomorrow
    Ian

  13. Brian O’Connell

    Merry Christmas, Dennis. This unsettling Jonathan Brandis fan fic is exactly the thing I needed to mark the day. Glad to see it resurrected.

    Even if, as you say, it looked to be nothing out of ordinary, I hope you enjoyed yourself today in some way. I had a pretty good time myself. Wonderful presents, which is always nice—including your own “God, Jr.” and “The Marbled Swarm”, both of which I am champing at the bit to read. And Diarmuid’s study of your work, and Bresson’s “Le Diable Probablement” (guess that’ll be my first of his after all), so there was something of a Cooper-esque tinge to my holiday. Enough to brighten what otherwise has been an obviously distinctly weird Christmas for my family, and of course for the world at large.

    A few appreciative remarks re: several of this blog’s many denizens: I’m continually admiring of Mr. Ehrenstein’s film chops, as exemplified by his excellent essay for the LARB that you shared a day or two ago; I’ve been enjoying reading Mr. Erickson’s end of year lists (his movies one was great), and must confess to a similar, completely new affinity for Taylor Swift, although I agree with you that Eilish is ultimately more interesting; finally, I must wholeheartedly second politekid’s recommendation of “Neon Genesis: Evangelion”, which I saw for the first time this year. The series itself is a little tonally uneven, but it eventually accumulates real power, and the feature-length ending was one of my favorite viewing experiences in 2020. Do let us know if you check it out. That’s all I have time to say at the moment, but I look forward to taking a peek at tomorrow’s post. Merry Christmas and the most marvelous of weekends to you.

  14. James

    Hello Dennis!

    Merry Christmas! I hope you are having a lovely Christmas in Paris! I hosted a fireside ‘Christmas with Dennis Cooper’ day on my twitter page today (Dec 25), you should check it out, I highlighted a few of my favorite DC novels and etc 🙂

    Thank you again for hosting the water birth of Moon the other day, so lovely and generous of you to do that.

    Love always,
    James

  15. James

    Hey Dennis, is ‘Sad Story’ an original writing/creation written by you? It’s trippy as all get-out 🙂

  16. h (now j)

    Hi, Dennis! Miss you 💛. I assumed you will have a day off on Christmas (as you did in the previous years) but you didn’t. How extra sweet. Hope you are keeping safe and well. Did you get some snow in Paris this winter? We got some in nyc but sadly not much. It rained here yesterday and today.

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