* (restored)
‘Over the past several months, a certain Star Trek: The Next Generation prose piece has ensnared the popular imagination the world over. It’s a story that’s been recycled since time immemorial, due to its sheer cross-cultural thematic resonance.
‘I am, of course, referring to author Kitty Glitter’s Amazon Kindle tour de force Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, an edifying fable in which the Enterprise’s resident rascal has a sexual awakening during a threesome with a barbed-penised cat man. Also, Captain Jean Luc Picard is walloped in the gonads.
‘Very little is known about the narrative genesis of Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine. In fact, Wesley Crusher portrayer Wil Wheaton was completely uninvolved with this radical redefinition of the character. “I don’t have to read Wesley Crusher, Teenage Fuck Machine, Dottie. I lived it,” opined Wheaton on Twitter. “Well, except for the fuck machine part.”
‘Behold Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, the Amazon Kindle’s new hottest book. Since debuting on Amazon February 15, WC:TFM has catapulted up the Kindle sales charts — as of this post’s publication date, Wesley Crusher was the 47th most popular Action & Adventure Kindle book for sale. Its meteoric rise may have something to do with the fact that Amazon Prime users can download it for free — as happy reviewer April notes, “Clearly worth the $0.00 it took to get this thing onto my Kindle. I would have happily paid twice that amount.”
‘Reviewers also found WC:TFM steeped in psychological symbolism. Would you expect anything less from the author of Michael Jackson: The Sequel, whose tagline is, “What happens when Michael Jackson must face off against three of the creepiest monsters ever?”
‘Amazon critic Gahvin deemed Wesley Crusher a routine affair, save for the author’s bold addition of a new feline cast member who should tickle both Trekkies and those readers who enjoy a deep exegesis: “One notable exception is the introduction of an original character, the fearsome “Meow Solo,” who is Glitter’s representation of the primal drive of the human id (in contrast to Captain Picard’s moralistic superego.) Solo’s harrowing descent into the dark tunnel of collective memory is a stunning and unexpected moment in this otherwise dreary Psych 101 textbook.”
‘Ultimately, the onus lies with the individual to interpret the true meaning of WC:TFM — I’m pretty sure the latter half of the title leaves us open to some ripping Marxist readings about “the commodification of the fresh-faced,” et cetera, et cetera.’ — iO9
___
Him
____
Further
Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine @ Facebook
Fuck Yeah Wil Wheaton Teenage Fuck Machine
Podcast: ‘Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine’ Audio Book
‘Kitty Glitter will hit you like a steampunk catapult!’
WC:TFM’ @ goodreads
‘Best book ever? Wesley Crusher: Teenage F#ck Machine’
‘My Bizarre Interview With Amazon Bestseller and Catfish Kitty Glitter’
‘A Purrfect storm – Kitty Glitter Interview’
WC:TFM’ @ The Giraffe Boards
_____
Interview with Kitty Glitter
Are you surprised by the attention that Wesley Crusher is getting?
Kitty Glitter: I am really surprised. A lot of it was because of Regretsy and the people on there trying to make it go #1. They got it to #9 so that was pretty awesome. In the last few days a ton of articles have been published about the story too and that has been pretty entertaining for me. I loved reading all of them.
Have you got any negative attention from it? How do you deal with that?
KG: I get a lot of bad criticism, people who think I am the worst writer ever. I don’t really mind any negative attention. I find that just as entertaining as the good comments. As long as people keep buying it and talking about it, that’s all I care about.
What was the inspiration to write it? Why Star Trek?
KG: The inspiration was a joke on that old show The Jamie Kennedy Experiment about Star Trek High being a series that would focus on Wesley Crusher. I have always been into Star Trek and liked the character of Wesley Crusher.
How did you feel about Wil Wheaton acknowledging it?
KG: That was pretty cool. I am not like a big fan of him or anything and it just kind of seemed inevitable that he would acknowledge it at some point. I’d be excited if Katy Perry was into it. I love her.
What other fictional characters would you like to or plan on writing about?
KG: I would like to write stories about Zooey Deschanel with kittens and unicorns. I would love to write about Streaky the Supercat. If I could legally, I would write a huge novel about Streaky the Supercat. I love that character. The Snorks too, I would love to do a sexed up version of the Snorks where All-Star commits suicide in one episode.
I have a great idea for a sequel to the John Cryer movie Hiding Out. It would work so well and would involve Keith Coogan’s character going undercover as an alley cat amongst other things, but it would mainly be a brutal revenge movie that builds on the events of the first Hiding Out movie. It would definitely give John Cryer a chance to like take on a challenging and dark sort of role.
Has the popularity of WCTFM allowed you to get your other books more attention? What are you currently working on?
KG: Yeah it has. It’s been really great, people have been buying all my other books and giving them good reviews so far. Especially the Sherlock Holmes one.
I am currently working on a story called “Ghostly Ellis-Bextor” and an ongoing series about an all girl Chipmunk band called The Wet Clits. That is inspired by my favorite cartoon Alvin And The Chipmunks. The Chipettes were so awesome!
Who are your writing inspirations?
KG: Anne Sexton, Patricia Highsmith, Richard Laymon, Flannery O’Connor, Shirley Jackson, Graham Greene, Angela Carter, Christa Faust, David J. Schow, and Skipp & Spector. Also Hal Hartley films.
_____
Him again
Picard Seduces Wesley
Shut up, Wesley!
Wesley Crusher Gets Owned
Wesley Gets Stabbed
Wesley Crusher Gets Smackdown by Picard
Wesley Crusher Must Die
___
Book
Kitty Glitter Wesley Crusher: Teenage Sex Machine
Amazon Kindle
‘I chose this for my book club to read this month because the reviews were good and it sounded like a fun read. It’s not. I have no idea what the other reviewers saw in this hastily written piece of crap. I can’t even put into words how underwhelming this story is. It wasn’t even good enough to be bad, if that makes sense. It’s that painfully dull kind of bad. Everything about the story felt rushed and disjointed. With a lot of books like this you can tell the author isn’t taking any of it seriously. In this story it’s more like the author just doesn’t care. They want to type for an hour and watch the cash roll in based off title alone. Worse, the title doesn’t fit the book at all. Sure, there is passing mention of sex acts but most of it is just Wesley and Meow Solo axing Borg. Even that sounds more interesting than it is because there’s no real description of anything. Events happen in a sentence or two, someone says “whatevs” a half dozen time, and the author moves on to the next nonsensically boring event.’ — Devi, goodreads
______
Excerpts
“Whatevs,” said Wesley as he pressed a bunch of random buttons on the wall, “I’m Wesley Crusher!”
*
“You never respected my image,” said Meow Solo, “the image is the only reason Mary Sue or any decent looking girl ever even touched your dick. It’s because of me. When you hang with Meow Solo you get laid.”
*
“Why can’t we be in the mirror universe?” said the professor, “The Borg are nice there and they fly around in pyramids and everyone there has a beard. Nobody ever gets a cold face in the winter.”
*
“PREPaRE TO BE aSSIMILaTED,” said a loud robot voice. “What the fuck?” said Wesley Crusher. Wesley looked out the back window of the SHO to see a Borg scout cube pulled up behind them, headlights glaring like a thousand suns. “Turn your fucking lights off now!” said Wesley. Meow Solo said, “Don’t be an asshole Wesley, you’ll get us killed!”
*
“What did they do to you Geordi?” “I’m Borgy now, Borgy Laborg. I have been assimilated. We all share one mind and soon you will join us Wesley!”
*
And that’s where Wesley Crusher came in. In the girl’s mouth, stifling the scream caused by the tiny barbs that encircled the tip of Meow Solo’s penis.
The barbs scraped against her rectal walls, tearing out chunks of flesh as the feline pilot extraordinaire withdrew his penis from her virgin ass.
“What is the meaning of this?” said Captain Picard.
Wesley stopped fucking and turned around to look directly at none other than Captain Jean Luc Picard.
“Sup Picard?” said Wesley.
“An orgy aboard the holodeck?” shouted Picard, “This is an outrage!”
Prof. Moriarty suddenly materializes in front of Picard brandishing a silver pistol and shoots the Captain in his balls.
Picard collapses to the floor screaming in agony.
“Your days of blathering on are over Picard,” said Moriarty, “now call that guy with the beard and tell him Moriarty said he was filthy animal.”
“RIKER!” screamed Picard, “You are of course referring to Will Riker, one of the finest officers I have ever served with.”
“Wesley and Meow Solo stepped off he girl and pulled their skintight pants up.
“Whatevs Picard,” said Wesley, “nobody cares who you served with, the Enterprise is totally doomed. I filled this chamber up with space gas.”
“NO!” cried Picard.
“Meow Solo, go get the SHO ready!”
“Sure Wes,” said Meow Solo as he ran from the holodeck chamber.
“Moriarty c’mon let’s go!” said Wesley.
*
p.s. Hey. ** Keathong, Nice writing there. I always liked … I can’t remember if it was #2 or 3, the one with the TV ad that turned Halloween masks into crushing machines. That one. Kim Cool: I’ll look for that. LSD turns ghosts into table lamps, very *shrug* whatever. Hope it works then. Your thing. ** David Ehrenstein, Thank you on her behalf. ** Jeff J, Thanks, Jeff. I do try. Excellence that my recs added substance to your plans. Wish I could be there for the Skylight deal. It’s literally a 3 minute walk from my LA pad. ** _Black_Acrylic, Hi, Ben. I’ll let you know. I’m meeting her in about 90 minutes. Rachel Maclean has some biggish Paris show in the near future, so I can finally see her stuff in the manner in which it was designed to be intaken. ‘Intaken’ Isn’t a word recognised by SpellCheck? It will be in even a year, I predict. Enjoy Leeds! ** Steve Erickson, Cool, glad you watched and enjoyed it. I agree. Gotcha about the editor situation. No, I think that’s often how things work, I was just free-associating around Zac’s and my persnickety-ness. You know, I’m so not interested in working with name actors that I’ve never even daydreamed about doing that. As I do start to daydream about that right now, everyone I think of would require a time machine. It’s more that I’ll be walking down the street or sitting in a cafe, and I’ll see someone walking or drinking coffee nearby and think he or she or they have a look or quality that’s exactly what Zac and I need for a certain character in our next film, and I’ll register what it is about them that made me feel that way and tell myself to remember that, when the time comes, we should look for a performer who has those qualities. I know there’s a ton of bureaucracy and rules and regulations in France around making films and what the cast and crew need to be paid and so on because we’ve had to deal with that even at the level of our filmmaking, but I don’t believe there’s anything quite like what you’re describing here. My friend the filmmaker Patric Chiha wanted Beatrice Dalle to be in his film ‘Domain’, and he said he just ran into her at some event, described the film to her, and she said ‘I’ll do it’, and she just told her agent she was doing Patric’s film, and that was that. But I don’t know much about how that works technically, I confess. ** Right. I never in almost a million years thought I would ever restore the once dead post you see before you today, but a guy approached me recently who’s writing some big piece about Kitty Glitter and asked if I would restore this post to help him with his research, and I said, ‘Sure, no prob’, and so you get whatever run off pleasure that may result from that decision. See you tomorrow.
Now available in North America 
*
On “The Big Bang Theory” Jim Parsons’ character,Sheldon, is obsessed with Wesley.
My stay here in Leeds will be sadly diminished by my leaving all of my books behind on my sofa in Dundee. So I’ve a shortage of worthwhile literature down here but still, at least I’ll have this Kitty Glitter restoration to tide me over haha.
It’s about that time of year again for one of my fave acid records, Slick Master Rick – Halloween House.
Wesley Crusher even the name gets me horny. I was raised a Wesleyan in more ways than one. There’s a couple of boys from his time that we’re hot that I didn’t notice when I was a kid and then they were gone. “They were young, hot, Jewish, and you liked it.” Oh I’ve slept on the new Halloween, I will wait until you’ve seen it. I’m scared to rap film with you these days figure youre like super director chair goggles. Haha drummer boys reading Civil War bios recently has given me a new appreciation for Barra paintings. Especially in the Confederaca drummer boys would be dressed as girls and fucked and the husbands would write to their wives about how wonderful they were in bed. Richmond by the end was a msm brothel. Off to Halloween it.
Good morning, Dennis!
I was charmed by this post first time round and I’m charmed by it anew today. I even watched all the clips with breakfast this morning. Funnily enough I thought about this post the other day when I was idly thinking about quickly writing a bunch of silly stories featuring the Beach Boys. Coincidence? Have you read the book? I think I read the free part on Amazon last time round.
How have you been? I’ve been wiped out and sick, I think as a result of my too busy Belgian weekend, but it seems to be passing. I always get worried that I’m getting proper sick again…fingers double crossed.
You been working on the TV script? How goes it?
Funny you were meeting Lucy McKenzie. I hung around with her for a bit many moons ago. How was that?
Have a good Thursday. May you not feel at all like Mike Love in this clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qqyx4TW4Ptw
Perplexing performance.
Un-Winding Refn love,
Jamie
The Director’s Guild of America rules are even stranger. For some reason, they only allow one person to be credited as director on DGA-certified films even if two people genuinely worked on them. I assume this is so a director can’t lose credit if producers force them off a film (even if it’s deserved, as when Bryan Singer stopped showing up to the set during production of BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY.) The Coen brothers have co-directed all their films, but most of their early films are credited to Joel because of this rule. They quit the DGA in order to be able to give both of themselves credit on their films.
I had no idea what the critical response to BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY would be – it still hasn’t had any public screenings (which I thought was a bad sign, because it probably meant that fall festivals like Venice, Toronto & Telluride all rejected it), and the only critic whose opinion I knew is a friend I talked to after the press screening I caught. But the embargo expired yesterday, and it looks like my review, which is pretty negative but spends its final paragraph praising the Live Aid concert at the end, is going to be one of the more positive ones.
Here’s some Halloween stuff with a possible cameo or two. Just thought of it, but the lady at Haslams, where Kerouac used to hang in his last days, told me recently that she frequently has to clean up after him. He throws books off the shelves in the early morning hours and puts his on higher shelves. She laughed, “I just say, “Good Mornin’, Jack!” Hween Varioso
Yo D, how’s life? I can now finally say publicly that my debut novel “The Bright Lands” sold to a new imprint at Harper called Hanover Square Press and I’m as tickled as a pig in shit. It’s all very surreal. I wanted to take a sec and thank you for your encouragement years and years ago that I should press on with the whole writing thing. It seems to be working out.
In other news, I was hoping you could help me with some research I’m doing on my next project. I need to listen to a lot of early punk/new wave, specifically the stuff that was popping in NYC in the mid 70s to early 80s. I have a character who moved to NYC about 40 years too late wanting to be the next Debbie Harry (“but with real edge”) and I want to steep myself in some of the music I’m sure my character would be able to rattle off. I’m working my way through all of Blondie and The Ramones but can you recommend any acts that have less name recognition these days but the sort of cultish elan that punk people geek over?
Hope things are great with you, D. Thanks, again and I’m advance. Talk soon
I’d recommend the Contortions, ESG, Bush Tetras, DNA, Lydia Lunch (and her various bands), Liquid Liquid and Glenn Branca as standouts from that scene at the time who still haven’t totally found mainstream recognition. Are Richard Hell and Suicide already on your playlist?
Old crushes today ;p It was an interesting epoch when TV pretended to be nice, clean family entertainment and the pervy stuff got smuggled in. Funny to imagine how this must have happened when they made the original ST – like, who decided that Wesley would have to wear those tight pants after taking a look at WW’s ass etc. Epoch seems very distant now, or maybe that’s just my impression.
Semester just started two weeks ago here. But the colleagues are very understanding and let me do my seminars in blocks, so I can sneak away to Tokyo for a few weeks in between. I will go back to Japan in mid-November. Until then we are trying to do a short Skype session every day. Sometimes Martha seems to recognize me (perhaps my voice rather than the image, it’s hard to tell), sometimes she looks puzzled, and sometimes she’s just bored and not interested at all haha
I hope Japan works out for you and Zach. I will probably be in Tokyo in spring. Perhaps we’ll get our chance to meet and say hi there, finally! That would be sweet.