Month: September 2019 (Page 9 of 9)

A baby stroller in case of a gas attack.

 

Snail pacer.

 

Vending machine for tanning.

 

An all terrain vehicle (that remains level at all times). Capable of overcoming slopes up to 65°.

 

Love Test: Each person was put in a tight, enclosed capsule, and a hose pumped the scent from the other person’s capsule right into their noses. If they could handle that, they were a good couple.

 

Cheese grater slide.

 

An extending RV.

 

Analog GPS navigation that utilizes a scrolling map. The scroll speed depends on the speed of the car.

 

Artificial brain.

 

Katzenklavier: The Cat-Piano.

 

The Toast Printer.

 

Toilet lock.

 

Coffin periscope, to satisfy the curiosity of the family.

 

A shield to protect the face during snow storms and blizzards.

 

A food printer that takes a snapshot of food and extracts its aroma simultaneously, then prints a postcard with aroma inks via a sensor that mixes the inks in the machine.

 

A revolver that captures an image right before the trigger is pressed.

 

Dimple making machine.

 

Uroclub, the golf club you can pee into.

 

Illuminated tires.

 

Mini Television.

 

Mitten handcuffs.

 

Coffin Torpedo: an abbreviated shotgun that rested just inside the coffin lid. Once the lid was raised, the gun would fire directly into the face of the violator.

 

An ice cube mask that was supposed to help Hollywood actresses fight against hangovers.

 

External turkey roaster.

 

Fluid operated zipper.

 

Robot Buttocks: Spank the buttocks, and they quiver. Stroke them and they clench, using artificial muscles under their silicone skin. A built-in microphone detects slaps.

 

The Leg Bicycle.

 

Sleeve protector.

 

Czech sound locating machine.

 

French sound locating machine.

 

Japanese sound locating machine.

 

Baby carriage

 

Hair dryer.

 

The Robot Readamatic was meant to help slow readers improve their pace by revealing one line of text at a time.

 

Phone answering robot.

 

The moment before Franz Reichelt died jumping from theEiffel Tower with his parachute overcoat.

 

Vacuum beauty helmet.

 

Chronovisor, a device that supposedly enabled viewers to watch any event in human history by tuning in to remnant vibrations that are caused by every action.

 

Russell Stover S’mores.

 

A device to teach children how to walk.

 

Neck brush, rubs against your skin as you move your head.

 

Broom and dust pan slippers.

 

The Cat-Mew Machine produced cat sounds, meant to keep away rodents.

 

The Pear of Anguish would be inserted into a vagina of a woman or anus of a man and then cranked open so that it opened within the body, completely destroying organs internally.

 

1973 Catholic Church Archdiocesan Youth Commission logo.

 

A 1963 pair of artificial breasts from Japan. The device had a built-in heartbeat and was meant to be a sleeping aid for very young children.

 

Electrometer to measure pain felt by fruits and vegetables.

 

Faxable Newspapers.

 

Device for Indicating Life in Buried Persons, J.G. Krichbaum, Patented December 5, 1882: A person inside the so-called ‘safety’ coffin could rotate a set of handles. These handles were connected to a periscope device while a dial visible above the surface revealed the movement. The handles could also be pushed upwards to allow air to enter the coffin.

 

The 1956-1959 Chryslers were fitted with a record player. The records didn’t last very long because the stylus was designed to press down on them hard to prevent skipping, which damaged the vinyl and didn’t always stop the tracks from skipping anyway.

 

The Isolator.

 

 

*

p.s. Hey. ** David Ehrenstein, Ah, great! I hope that tip pans out. Fingers crossed. ** Steve Erickson, Hi. Yes, I think you can expect some defensive naysayers. That popular? Now I’m scared, ha ha. Ah, good, about the Morris. Maybe I can catch it at the end of my Halloween haunt working vacation in LA. ** Thomas Kennedy, Hi, welcome. Thank you for the very kind words. Oh, okay, about the Dima thing. I’ll email or text you, but know that, given the circumstances through which the story reached me, I’m not in a position to verify it as factual. ** Jeff J, Hi. Cool about the Su Friedrich post reaching you. I’ve always had one trusted person to whom I show my newly finished novels and whose opinion determines whether the novel is actually finished or not for me. Always only one. More than one confuses me. Before I moved to Paris, that person was always Amy Gerstler, but the distance makes that too difficult. So, yeah, that’s something I’ve always done since the beginning. If the trusted person signs off on the new novel, I’ll send it to my agent. Or if the person thinks it needs more work and if I agree, then that’ll happen first. How do you finish your novels? I didn’t seen a email from you in my mailbox? Hm. Resend? Great luck at the festival. I just read Sarah Rose Etter’s novel and really liked it. And so, so cool that you’re on a panel with Superchunk’s Laura! I absolutely revere their earlier albums. Also one of the best live bands ever, at least back during their heyday. Yes, I’ve been thinking of you re: the hurricane and hoping you’re not in its line. ** Keatoff, Well, hey there, man! Awfully nice to see you! A car accident, a bad one, what?! Jeez, man, I’m glad you’re okay or at least okay enough to be your good old self when typing in this place’s box. Excited for your EP, big duh. I like your dream. I’m trying to envision it. New novel hints? Uh, it’s short. It’s very personal. It’s weird, but what else is new. Poussière de fée from over here! ** _Black_Acrylic, Cool, you listened! It’s also very nice to read and feel you back in the creative swing, maestro. ** Bill, Very happy you enjoyed it, Bill! Right, the Wonder Woman, ha ha, totally. Is Thursday looking good or at least majorly tolerable, I hope? ** Right. Today the blog celebrates misshapen ingenuity. Join the fun. See you tomorrow.

* (restored)

 

 

*

p.s. Hey. ** David Ehrenstein, Hi. See: _Black_Acrylic’s answer to your question in yesterday’s comments if you haven’t. That is an obscure Robert Altman movie. ** Sypha, Yeah, I think Tool and Taylor Swift are currently battling for the #1 spot on the Billboard chart. What a world. Wow, yes, that shrine. Cool. I wonder if I still have that photo. Guess I must. The shrine no longer exists in that form, but the elements and keepsakes are still preserved in LA. I should rebuild it in Paris. Thanks, man. ** Bill, According to the current status reporting from a hurricane vs. Mar-a-Lago potentiality chart that some weirdo is doing and updating every few minutes, they are not going to have much of a meeting, tragically. Thanks about the slaves. I thought it was quite an exceptional bunch. I hope the distractions held their own vis-a-vis the obligations. ** alex rose, Alex! Hero and god, seriously! Hi, man! So sweetness filling to see you. Your blog is back?! Cool, I’ll rush over there as soon as I rush out of here. I’m good. Stuff’s pretty good. Head cold, but okay. Absolutely in agreement with you that the long hair boy is a plinth readymade. You build the plinth, I’ll kidnap him. Big love to you too! Can’t wait to see you again the next time! ** Steve Erickson, I think the hurricane starts doing whatever it’ll do to Florida tonight or something? I read that you could walk faster than it’s moving. I like the Blanck Mass album too. Very clever and growing steadily on me. If Tool had even the teeniest-weeniest sense of humor, it would make their stuff a teeny-weeny bit better. I was so saddened when The Criterion Channel announced/realised that it couldn’t be an international platform like they originally announced. Grr. ** _Black_Acrylic, Hi, Ben. Not only is Josie Heavenly obnoxious, aggressive and a racist etc., he’s also, in his comments, a whiny, wussy pity Patty. Worst slave ever? ** Armando, Hi. Well, yeah, that’s a more raisable budget, I would think. The shooting schedule is where most of the money goes, i.e. paying actors and crew and everybody to keep them around and working, or at least it did in PGL’s case. That’s why we had to shoot it in 12 days even though it needed 3 weeks and even though we managed to do it that fast. I skipped the Re:Voir event just because I was too headlong into novel work. They have screenings quite often, so I’ll go to the next one. Thanks about my novel. I just finished it yesterday, or rather an incarnation of it. Now I have to ask a trusted person to read it, and then I’ll know better whether it’s finished or almost finished or a disaster that ain’t going nowhere. It could be any of those. Fingers crossed. Norman Mailer? I only like the really early stuff: ‘The Naked and the Dead’, ‘Advertisements for Myself’, maybe ‘Of a Fire on the Moon’. You? Today: Reread my ‘finished’ novel to be sure, get my head into TV script re: editing, … You? ** Okay. I restored this old, silly post because I like it. So there. See you tomorrow.