The blog of author Dennis Cooper

The Imperfectionists

A baby stroller in case of a gas attack.


Snail pacer.


Vending machine for tanning.


An all terrain vehicle (that remains level at all times). Capable of overcoming slopes up to 65°.


Love Test: Each person was put in a tight, enclosed capsule, and a hose pumped the scent from the other person’s capsule right into their noses. If they could handle that, they were a good couple.


Cheese grater slide.


An extending RV.


Analog GPS navigation that utilizes a scrolling map. The scroll speed depends on the speed of the car.


Artificial brain.


Katzenklavier: The Cat-Piano.


The Toast Printer.


Toilet lock.


Coffin periscope, to satisfy the curiosity of the family.


A shield to protect the face during snow storms and blizzards.


A food printer that takes a snapshot of food and extracts its aroma simultaneously, then prints a postcard with aroma inks via a sensor that mixes the inks in the machine.


A revolver that captures an image right before the trigger is pressed.


Dimple making machine.


Uroclub, the golf club you can pee into.


Illuminated tires.


Mini Television.


Mitten handcuffs.


Coffin Torpedo: an abbreviated shotgun that rested just inside the coffin lid. Once the lid was raised, the gun would fire directly into the face of the violator.


An ice cube mask that was supposed to help Hollywood actresses fight against hangovers.


External turkey roaster.


Fluid operated zipper.


Robot Buttocks: Spank the buttocks, and they quiver. Stroke them and they clench, using artificial muscles under their silicone skin. A built-in microphone detects slaps.


The Leg Bicycle.


Sleeve protector.


Czech sound locating machine.


French sound locating machine.


Japanese sound locating machine.


Baby carriage


Hair dryer.


The Robot Readamatic was meant to help slow readers improve their pace by revealing one line of text at a time.


Phone answering robot.


The moment before Franz Reichelt died jumping from theEiffel Tower with his parachute overcoat.


Vacuum beauty helmet.


Chronovisor, a device that supposedly enabled viewers to watch any event in human history by tuning in to remnant vibrations that are caused by every action.


Russell Stover S’mores.


A device to teach children how to walk.


Neck brush, rubs against your skin as you move your head.


Broom and dust pan slippers.


The Cat-Mew Machine produced cat sounds, meant to keep away rodents.


The Pear of Anguish would be inserted into a vagina of a woman or anus of a man and then cranked open so that it opened within the body, completely destroying organs internally.


1973 Catholic Church Archdiocesan Youth Commission logo.


A 1963 pair of artificial breasts from Japan. The device had a built-in heartbeat and was meant to be a sleeping aid for very young children.


Electrometer to measure pain felt by fruits and vegetables.


Faxable Newspapers.


Device for Indicating Life in Buried Persons, J.G. Krichbaum, Patented December 5, 1882: A person inside the so-called ‘safety’ coffin could rotate a set of handles. These handles were connected to a periscope device while a dial visible above the surface revealed the movement. The handles could also be pushed upwards to allow air to enter the coffin.


The 1956-1959 Chryslers were fitted with a record player. The records didn’t last very long because the stylus was designed to press down on them hard to prevent skipping, which damaged the vinyl and didn’t always stop the tracks from skipping anyway.


The Isolator.




p.s. Hey. ** David Ehrenstein, Ah, great! I hope that tip pans out. Fingers crossed. ** Steve Erickson, Hi. Yes, I think you can expect some defensive naysayers. That popular? Now I’m scared, ha ha. Ah, good, about the Morris. Maybe I can catch it at the end of my Halloween haunt working vacation in LA. ** Thomas Kennedy, Hi, welcome. Thank you for the very kind words. Oh, okay, about the Dima thing. I’ll email or text you, but know that, given the circumstances through which the story reached me, I’m not in a position to verify it as factual. ** Jeff J, Hi. Cool about the Su Friedrich post reaching you. I’ve always had one trusted person to whom I show my newly finished novels and whose opinion determines whether the novel is actually finished or not for me. Always only one. More than one confuses me. Before I moved to Paris, that person was always Amy Gerstler, but the distance makes that too difficult. So, yeah, that’s something I’ve always done since the beginning. If the trusted person signs off on the new novel, I’ll send it to my agent. Or if the person thinks it needs more work and if I agree, then that’ll happen first. How do you finish your novels? I didn’t seen a email from you in my mailbox? Hm. Resend? Great luck at the festival. I just read Sarah Rose Etter’s novel and really liked it. And so, so cool that you’re on a panel with Superchunk’s Laura! I absolutely revere their earlier albums. Also one of the best live bands ever, at least back during their heyday. Yes, I’ve been thinking of you re: the hurricane and hoping you’re not in its line. ** Keatoff, Well, hey there, man! Awfully nice to see you! A car accident, a bad one, what?! Jeez, man, I’m glad you’re okay or at least okay enough to be your good old self when typing in this place’s box. Excited for your EP, big duh. I like your dream. I’m trying to envision it. New novel hints? Uh, it’s short. It’s very personal. It’s weird, but what else is new. Poussière de fée from over here! ** _Black_Acrylic, Cool, you listened! It’s also very nice to read and feel you back in the creative swing, maestro. ** Bill, Very happy you enjoyed it, Bill! Right, the Wonder Woman, ha ha, totally. Is Thursday looking good or at least majorly tolerable, I hope? ** Right. Today the blog celebrates misshapen ingenuity. Join the fun. See you tomorrow.


  1. Great blog today! Those machines and designs are creepy but beautiful at the same time.

    You’re very fortunate that you have people to look over your writing once you (think) you are finished. Amy sounds perfect for something like that. I would trust her opinion in a snap of the finger. I have two or three people I think of, or show my work once it’s finished. They usually criticize the manuscript in a very profound manner for me. Mostly dealing with chapter issues – if a chapter is too long, or a need for such chapter. Putting a manuscript together is really a wonderful process. I’m never frustrated and I’m grateful when certain individuals look over my work. Also, I have a great editor at City Lights, Garrett, who’s really fantastic.

  2. I kind of like how the sound locating machines become increasingly elaborate… not so sure about the credibility of that artificial brain though…

  3. Hey Dennis, this inventive collection is definitely helping with Thursday tolerance, yes. “The Imperfectionists” sounds like a title for a novel. Sequel to “The Sluts”? Those conical face masks for snow/blizzard remind me of the old Beak Doctor masks, ha. And for years I’ve been thinking about a project with some similarities with the Robot Buttocks; should really try to look into that again.

    Look forward to your upcoming loved books post. The new Etter has been on my to-read list, though I haven’t scored a copy yet. Been kind of grumpy about my fiction reading in the past weeks.


  4. I’m excited that you’ve completed a new novel. Are you still under contract with FSG? If not, do you have another publisher in mind?

    Here’s my review of Mads Brügger’s COLD CASE HAMMARSKJOLD: https://www.nashvillescene.com/arts-culture/film/article/21085350/cold-case-hammarskjold

    These images are a great source of accidental surrealism – some of them remind me of Max Ernst’s collages.

    Do you know Seth Price and his film REDISTRIBUTION, which began as a video of his 2007 lecture at the Guggenheim and has been continually updated since then? (It’s now in its 8th “draft.”) I’m watching it tonight for a review – it’s getting a week-long run at the Metrograph, starting the 13th.

  5. hello dennis

    ooooh, i want that gun that takes photos but a camera is a weapon as a tripod is a hammer

    no news here, wake up, job, food, a power snooze and then around 7 try to make some paper work

    i was supposed to be in a group show in ny with jimi curated by slava mogutin, slava’s lovely, i think you know him ? anyway it got knocked at the last minute and then slava told me that jimi was closing down the gallery, so, obviously i went into hyperspace, i emailed ny and no replied for 3 weeks, 3 fucking weeks !,

    anyhoo, after various inner aneuysms, jimi replied, they may be re opening soon etc in another space etc

    ive a solo there in april ny next year but im kinda paranoid about the whole art gallery world over the last few months, my main worry is that ive 10 years of work with jimi in ny and im here, under a bridge in fraggle rock so i often wake up silently all a giggle

    that was the moon news

    the sun news is …

    i got in contact with gaahl from gorgorath, so ive a solo show in bergen, norway sometime next year, so thats what im working towards at the moment

    dennis for my tapping so much, hahaha, i do love you and i saw that you have a new book nailed, ooooh

    im halfway through paul bowles ” let it come down ” he’s such a great writer, murming away like the bitter old cunt that he is, haha, but he is really funny in a horrible, i dont know…. but it’s a great book

    love you dennis, you almighty man, xx


  6. Hey. Yeah, I got hit by a really big truck, sent my car rolling, road across the interstate upside down as the roof caved and the glass smashed around me. Landed in a swamp. Climbed out of the car. Haha, the EP is so awful. Just gotta put the lyrics on it and it’s done. It’s just drums/guitar/and vocals. I’m kind of a bass hater right now. No solos or anything, I’m not very good. Possible release date of tomorrow. That dream was amazing. I woke up with such a great feeling. Like “French Hole” personal. My joy of just thinking of that title let alone the wonderful book itself. Speaking of weird, I think maybe you’ve been replaced. You have the same like mannerism as you did 30 years ago. I don’t know what that means. Wait, haha. The Imperfectionists, love it. Halloween is peeking around the corner.

  7. Hey Dennis, So I mentioned this a ways back….Erin and I are going to be in Paris the 15th through the 17th and I’d love to figure out some hang/coffee time or something. You in town then?

    Take Care,

  8. Ha ha these all look like something I’d see in a Boris Vian book. Zany. Is that L. Ron listening to plants? That guy.

    So I saw my first Costa film: ‘Casa De Lava’. It fucking mystified me and I’m not entirely sure what all happened, but I haven’t seen anything like it. Absolutely beautiful. I’m going to keep watching over the next few days.

    Speaking of the next few days: tomorrow I’m seeing Slipknot. My friend surprised me with a ticket, and I couldn’t help but be intrigued. Luckily it’s lawn seats; I’d hate to be in the front. I’m hoping it’ll be like a trip to the carnival, otherwise I might be bummed. But hey it was free, and I’m just there to hang out.

    I don’t have much time to read anything for pleasure right now, but I’ve been sneaking glances at Sarah Etter’s ‘Story of X’. You check that one out? So great. And Simon Hanselmann’s newest ‘Bad Gateway’. Their stuff is mind-boiling good.

    What’s going on with you? Is Paris more livable post-heat? Is it possible to leave your place again? Hope so. Great weekend to you.

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