A baby stroller in case of a gas attack.
Vending machine for tanning.
An all terrain vehicle (that remains level at all times). Capable of overcoming slopes up to 65°.
Love Test: Each person was put in a tight, enclosed capsule, and a hose pumped the scent from the other person’s capsule right into their noses. If they could handle that, they were a good couple.
Cheese grater slide.
An extending RV.
Analog GPS navigation that utilizes a scrolling map. The scroll speed depends on the speed of the car.
Katzenklavier: The Cat-Piano.
The Toast Printer.
Coffin periscope, to satisfy the curiosity of the family.
A shield to protect the face during snow storms and blizzards.
A food printer that takes a snapshot of food and extracts its aroma simultaneously, then prints a postcard with aroma inks via a sensor that mixes the inks in the machine.
A revolver that captures an image right before the trigger is pressed.
Dimple making machine.
Uroclub, the golf club you can pee into.
Coffin Torpedo: an abbreviated shotgun that rested just inside the coffin lid. Once the lid was raised, the gun would fire directly into the face of the violator.
An ice cube mask that was supposed to help Hollywood actresses fight against hangovers.
External turkey roaster.
Fluid operated zipper.
Robot Buttocks: Spank the buttocks, and they quiver. Stroke them and they clench, using artificial muscles under their silicone skin. A built-in microphone detects slaps.
The Leg Bicycle.
Czech sound locating machine.
French sound locating machine.
Japanese sound locating machine.
The Robot Readamatic was meant to help slow readers improve their pace by revealing one line of text at a time.
Phone answering robot.
The moment before Franz Reichelt died jumping from theEiffel Tower with his parachute overcoat.
Vacuum beauty helmet.
Chronovisor, a device that supposedly enabled viewers to watch any event in human history by tuning in to remnant vibrations that are caused by every action.
Russell Stover S’mores.
A device to teach children how to walk.
Neck brush, rubs against your skin as you move your head.
Broom and dust pan slippers.
The Cat-Mew Machine produced cat sounds, meant to keep away rodents.
The Pear of Anguish would be inserted into a vagina of a woman or anus of a man and then cranked open so that it opened within the body, completely destroying organs internally.
1973 Catholic Church Archdiocesan Youth Commission logo.
A 1963 pair of artificial breasts from Japan. The device had a built-in heartbeat and was meant to be a sleeping aid for very young children.
Electrometer to measure pain felt by fruits and vegetables.
Device for Indicating Life in Buried Persons, J.G. Krichbaum, Patented December 5, 1882: A person inside the so-called ‘safety’ coffin could rotate a set of handles. These handles were connected to a periscope device while a dial visible above the surface revealed the movement. The handles could also be pushed upwards to allow air to enter the coffin.
The 1956-1959 Chryslers were fitted with a record player. The records didn’t last very long because the stylus was designed to press down on them hard to prevent skipping, which damaged the vinyl and didn’t always stop the tracks from skipping anyway.
p.s. Hey. ** David Ehrenstein, Ah, great! I hope that tip pans out. Fingers crossed. ** Steve Erickson, Hi. Yes, I think you can expect some defensive naysayers. That popular? Now I’m scared, ha ha. Ah, good, about the Morris. Maybe I can catch it at the end of my Halloween haunt working vacation in LA. ** Thomas Kennedy, Hi, welcome. Thank you for the very kind words. Oh, okay, about the Dima thing. I’ll email or text you, but know that, given the circumstances through which the story reached me, I’m not in a position to verify it as factual. ** Jeff J, Hi. Cool about the Su Friedrich post reaching you. I’ve always had one trusted person to whom I show my newly finished novels and whose opinion determines whether the novel is actually finished or not for me. Always only one. More than one confuses me. Before I moved to Paris, that person was always Amy Gerstler, but the distance makes that too difficult. So, yeah, that’s something I’ve always done since the beginning. If the trusted person signs off on the new novel, I’ll send it to my agent. Or if the person thinks it needs more work and if I agree, then that’ll happen first. How do you finish your novels? I didn’t seen a email from you in my mailbox? Hm. Resend? Great luck at the festival. I just read Sarah Rose Etter’s novel and really liked it. And so, so cool that you’re on a panel with Superchunk’s Laura! I absolutely revere their earlier albums. Also one of the best live bands ever, at least back during their heyday. Yes, I’ve been thinking of you re: the hurricane and hoping you’re not in its line. ** Keatoff, Well, hey there, man! Awfully nice to see you! A car accident, a bad one, what?! Jeez, man, I’m glad you’re okay or at least okay enough to be your good old self when typing in this place’s box. Excited for your EP, big duh. I like your dream. I’m trying to envision it. New novel hints? Uh, it’s short. It’s very personal. It’s weird, but what else is new. Poussière de fée from over here! ** _Black_Acrylic, Cool, you listened! It’s also very nice to read and feel you back in the creative swing, maestro. ** Bill, Very happy you enjoyed it, Bill! Right, the Wonder Woman, ha ha, totally. Is Thursday looking good or at least majorly tolerable, I hope? ** Right. Today the blog celebrates misshapen ingenuity. Join the fun. See you tomorrow.