* (restored)
‘Over the past several months, a certain Star Trek: The Next Generation prose piece has ensnared the popular imagination the world over. It’s a story that’s been recycled since time immemorial, due to its sheer cross-cultural thematic resonance.
‘I am, of course, referring to author Kitty Glitter’s Amazon Kindle tour de force Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, an edifying fable in which the Enterprise’s resident rascal has a sexual awakening during a threesome with a barbed-penised cat man. Also, Captain Jean Luc Picard is walloped in the gonads.
‘Very little is known about the narrative genesis of Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine. In fact, Wesley Crusher portrayer Wil Wheaton was completely uninvolved with this radical redefinition of the character. “I don’t have to read Wesley Crusher, Teenage Fuck Machine, Dottie. I lived it,” opined Wheaton on Twitter. “Well, except for the fuck machine part.”
‘Behold Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, the Amazon Kindle’s new hottest book. Since debuting on Amazon February 15, WC:TFM has catapulted up the Kindle sales charts — as of this post’s publication date, Wesley Crusher was the 47th most popular Action & Adventure Kindle book for sale. Its meteoric rise may have something to do with the fact that Amazon Prime users can download it for free — as happy reviewer April notes, “Clearly worth the $0.00 it took to get this thing onto my Kindle. I would have happily paid twice that amount.”
‘Reviewers also found WC:TFM steeped in psychological symbolism. Would you expect anything less from the author of Michael Jackson: The Sequel, whose tagline is, “What happens when Michael Jackson must face off against three of the creepiest monsters ever?”
‘Amazon critic Gahvin deemed Wesley Crusher a routine affair, save for the author’s bold addition of a new feline cast member who should tickle both Trekkies and those readers who enjoy a deep exegesis: “One notable exception is the introduction of an original character, the fearsome “Meow Solo,” who is Glitter’s representation of the primal drive of the human id (in contrast to Captain Picard’s moralistic superego.) Solo’s harrowing descent into the dark tunnel of collective memory is a stunning and unexpected moment in this otherwise dreary Psych 101 textbook.”
‘Ultimately, the onus lies with the individual to interpret the true meaning of WC:TFM — I’m pretty sure the latter half of the title leaves us open to some ripping Marxist readings about “the commodification of the fresh-faced,” et cetera, et cetera.’ — iO9
___
Him
____
Further
Fuck Yeah Wil Wheaton Teenage Fuck Machine
Podcast: ‘Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine’ Audio Book
‘Kitty Glitter will hit you like a steampunk catapult!’
WC:TFM’ @ goodreads
‘Best book ever? Wesley Crusher: Teenage F#ck Machine’
‘My Bizarre Interview With Amazon Bestseller and Catfish Kitty Glitter’
‘A Purrfect storm – Kitty Glitter Interview’
WC:TFM’ @ The Giraffe Boards
_____
Interview with Kitty Glitter
Are you surprised by the attention that Wesley Crusher is getting?
Kitty Glitter: I am really surprised. A lot of it was because of Regretsy and the people on there trying to make it go #1. They got it to #9 so that was pretty awesome. In the last few days a ton of articles have been published about the story too and that has been pretty entertaining for me. I loved reading all of them.
Have you got any negative attention from it? How do you deal with that?
KG: I get a lot of bad criticism, people who think I am the worst writer ever. I don’t really mind any negative attention. I find that just as entertaining as the good comments. As long as people keep buying it and talking about it, that’s all I care about.
What was the inspiration to write it? Why Star Trek?
KG: The inspiration was a joke on that old show The Jamie Kennedy Experiment about Star Trek High being a series that would focus on Wesley Crusher. I have always been into Star Trek and liked the character of Wesley Crusher.
How did you feel about Wil Wheaton acknowledging it?
KG: That was pretty cool. I am not like a big fan of him or anything and it just kind of seemed inevitable that he would acknowledge it at some point. I’d be excited if Katy Perry was into it. I love her.
What other fictional characters would you like to or plan on writing about?
KG: I would like to write stories about Zooey Deschanel with kittens and unicorns. I would love to write about Streaky the Supercat. If I could legally, I would write a huge novel about Streaky the Supercat. I love that character. The Snorks too, I would love to do a sexed up version of the Snorks where All-Star commits suicide in one episode.
I have a great idea for a sequel to the John Cryer movie Hiding Out. It would work so well and would involve Keith Coogan’s character going undercover as an alley cat amongst other things, but it would mainly be a brutal revenge movie that builds on the events of the first Hiding Out movie. It would definitely give John Cryer a chance to like take on a challenging and dark sort of role.
Has the popularity of WCTFM allowed you to get your other books more attention? What are you currently working on?
KG: Yeah it has. It’s been really great, people have been buying all my other books and giving them good reviews so far. Especially the Sherlock Holmes one.
I am currently working on a story called “Ghostly Ellis-Bextor” and an ongoing series about an all girl Chipmunk band called The Wet Clits. That is inspired by my favorite cartoon Alvin And The Chipmunks. The Chipettes were so awesome!
Who are your writing inspirations?
KG: Anne Sexton, Patricia Highsmith, Richard Laymon, Flannery O’Connor, Shirley Jackson, Graham Greene, Angela Carter, Christa Faust, David J. Schow, and Skipp & Spector. Also Hal Hartley films.
_____
Him again
Picard Seduces Wesley
Shut up, Wesley!
Wesley Crusher Gets Owned
Wesley Gets Stabbed
Wesley Crusher Must Die
___________
Goodreaders Speak
Marjorie Smith
Mostly Crusher doing horrifically violent stuff. Nothing really worth reading. Nothing truly sexy. Oh well, maybe next time it’ll be worth it.
Paul
I’m not sure if this is the greatest thing ever written or the worst.
bat bat
i have never read anything in my life that so thoroughly warped my ability to comprehend reality. i laughed until i drooled. what the fuck is this even oh my god i love it.
Xavier Aubuchon-mendoza
an epic to stand the test of all time
Pamela
Easily the best book I’ve ever read. After I read this I won the lottery and got shot out into space where me and Wesley banged all night. Highly recommended.
Bunni L’angour
Wil Wheaton is aware of this book. He says he doesn’t need to read it because he has lived it.
___
Book
Kitty Glitter Wesley Crusher: Teenage Sex Machine
Amazon Kindle
‘I chose this for my book club to read this month because the reviews were good and it sounded like a fun read. It’s not. I have no idea what the other reviewers saw in this hastily written piece of crap. I can’t even put into words how underwhelming this story is. It wasn’t even good enough to be bad, if that makes sense. It’s that painfully dull kind of bad. Everything about the story felt rushed and disjointed. With a lot of books like this you can tell the author isn’t taking any of it seriously. In this story it’s more like the author just doesn’t care. They want to type for an hour and watch the cash roll in based off title alone. Worse, the title doesn’t fit the book at all. Sure, there is passing mention of sex acts but most of it is just Wesley and Meow Solo axing Borg. Even that sounds more interesting than it is because there’s no real description of anything. Events happen in a sentence or two, someone says “whatevs” a half dozen time, and the author moves on to the next nonsensically boring event.’ — Devi, goodreads
______
Excerpts
“Whatevs,” said Wesley as he pressed a bunch of random buttons on the wall, “I’m Wesley Crusher!”
*
“You never respected my image,” said Meow Solo, “the image is the only reason Mary Sue or any decent looking girl ever even touched your dick. It’s because of me. When you hang with Meow Solo you get laid.”
*
“Why can’t we be in the mirror universe?” said the professor, “The Borg are nice there and they fly around in pyramids and everyone there has a beard. Nobody ever gets a cold face in the winter.”
*
“PREPaRE TO BE aSSIMILaTED,” said a loud robot voice. “What the fuck?” said Wesley Crusher. Wesley looked out the back window of the SHO to see a Borg scout cube pulled up behind them, headlights glaring like a thousand suns. “Turn your fucking lights off now!” said Wesley. Meow Solo said, “Don’t be an asshole Wesley, you’ll get us killed!”
*
“What did they do to you Geordi?” “I’m Borgy now, Borgy Laborg. I have been assimilated. We all share one mind and soon you will join us Wesley!”
*
And that’s where Wesley Crusher came in. In the girl’s mouth, stifling the scream caused by the tiny barbs that encircled the tip of Meow Solo’s penis.
The barbs scraped against her rectal walls, tearing out chunks of flesh as the feline pilot extraordinaire withdrew his penis from her virgin ass.
“What is the meaning of this?” said Captain Picard.
Wesley stopped fucking and turned around to look directly at none other than Captain Jean Luc Picard.
“Sup Picard?” said Wesley.
“An orgy aboard the holodeck?” shouted Picard, “This is an outrage!”
Prof. Moriarty suddenly materializes in front of Picard brandishing a silver pistol and shoots the Captain in his balls.
Picard collapses to the floor screaming in agony.
“Your days of blathering on are over Picard,” said Moriarty, “now call that guy with the beard and tell him Moriarty said he was filthy animal.”
“RIKER!” screamed Picard, “You are of course referring to Will Riker, one of the finest officers I have ever served with.”
“Wesley and Meow Solo stepped off he girl and pulled their skintight pants up.
“Whatevs Picard,” said Wesley, “nobody cares who you served with, the Enterprise is totally doomed. I filled this chamber up with space gas.”
“NO!” cried Picard.
“Meow Solo, go get the SHO ready!”
“Sure Wes,” said Meow Solo as he ran from the holodeck chamber.
“Moriarty c’mon let’s go!” said Wesley.
*
p.s. Hey. ROOM TEMPERATURE has a teaser trailer if you’d like to watch it. ** Dominik, Hi!!! It was my evermost pleasure. Your love is irresistible. Okay, I’m going to squeeze one more love out of the boys before they get some needed downtime. Believe it or not love is straight but he recently got a bit too drunk and had an incident that left him less curious about himself, G. ** Tyler Ookami, I think you’re right, yes. I was surprised about Attila, and I think Stephen was being overly cautious just in case. His costumes: yes. That totally mirrored one he used to wear when he was fronting Sunn0))) gave me my only ever actual acid flashback. I once made the mistake when I was talking this Norwegian Black Metal bassist, I can’t remember his name, of bringing up Hunter Ravenna Hunt-Hendrix, and, wow, was I sorry I did. ** Steeqhen, Happy the post was a salve. Yeah, I literally know nothing about Sims games. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a promo video for them. At the moment it looks like the European premiere might be in Berlin, but we’re not totally sure yet. You are a very impressive doer, no two ways about it. I can’t even imagine that ‘TD,P’ scene without the context, so interesting that it had some effect nonetheless. Weekend was work-y. Hope your was funner. ** _Black_Acrylic, Well, yes. And, haha, I guess of course he meant them to be ejaculatory. I guess that’s obvious, come to think of it. ** James, I almost put a Zelda fountain in there, but I couldn’t find a good enough gif. Meticulous fountains read there, thank you. Wow, Jet, I forgot all about them understandably. Anyway, that was a poem of a paragraph, maestro. I’ve been described as an excellent example of the extreme and the sensible coexisting. Except I think they said rational. Before twink arose, I believe they just called teens even when they weren’t teens. Good that your body is being tolerable to the rest of you. LA people are like they are in the movies but less dumb and cartoony. I just had to work all weekend. It wasn’t even a weekend. Start conquering your week. ** Dan Carroll, Hi. Very true, nice. Your fountains reading. Ah, Deakins is a grumpy type. I once went to talk by Lindsey Anderson, and every audience question made him livid, rolling his eyes, telling the questioner he or she was a stupid philistine. So much so that Malcom McDowell, who was sharing the stage, and who is famously a total grump, had to put on his actor’s face and try to seem angelic just to keep the audience from throwing things. Great about the painting sale. The work on the site was lustrous and a total pleasure. Mm, it was interesting being a staff reviewer in the sense that I saw everything, and artists and gallerists were very nice to me, but the pay was let’s just say lousy. But I did like it. Although I was happy when Artforum kicked me upstairs and let me write articles and essays and things instead. ** Steve, If someone had, I suppose it would have been news. That long to kick in? Shit. Tough it out as best you can if that’s your fate. No, the Oscars are on in the middle of the night here. I might’ve watched just because I have thing for awards shows, but it looks to have as predictable as anything could be. The only and single thing that made me pleased to read was that ‘No Other Land’ won. Otherwise, blah. ** Nicholas., Congrats on the new, refreshed site. I’ll go see what you did once I’m freed up. Everyone, Nicholas. has done a revamp/remodel on his already exciting website, and now it looks even more ravishing, and go have a look. Hm, I don’t what my go-to is. I’m shockingly ignorant. I don’t do Windows or Android though, I know that. My phone is just a phone and camera. I don’t allow the bigger world into it. I had No. 5 spaghetti with a mixture of Mushroom and Basilic sauces and three different kinds of grated cheese. ** jay, Hi. Yeah, the Gober’s really nice. When he’s good, he’s really good. Awesome about your weekend. I still need to get ‘Lorelei and the Laser Eyes’. I still need to do the last three battles in Paper Mario first. I got de-gamed by too much film stuff. Your palm looks fancy. That game sounds pretty intimidating. Or invasive or something. No, that sounds interestingly pleasant, it does. My thing is just agonising pain and being sort of bent in half. No upside to it whatsoever. But I’m fit as fiddle at the moment. May your week extend your weekend’s streak. ** HaRpEr, It is really scary in the US. My trans friends are living in a continual state of stress and uncertainty. Fragile jobs, fragile healthcare, fragile social interacting with strangers, … It’s so vile. Luckily most of my trans friends live in California or New York where they have a chance of staying protected, but … One could go on and on, to no avail. I don’t know ‘Danny Phantom’, but I’ll try to find out. The first time I saw a Bresson film, which was ‘Lancelot du Lac’, I couldn’t speak for hours afterwards. Even my friends who went with me saying positive things about the film made me angry. It felt like being alone with my response to the film was being in a holy place. I’ve never felt anything like it. ** Uday, Hi. Thanks. That’s funny, I just listened to Peggy Lee singing ‘Let’s Love’ yesterday. Good old Atlanta. I haven’t been there in so long. There are some awful, stupid people around there, though. I remember that. I like confusion, but illogic is really hard to understand. I hope Monday revs up your week. ** Darby𓃰, Hey, D. Hooray for peace. That’s a hard feeling to come by these days. The job (yours) sounds really kind of fun and involving. Nice. And that you have an ally there, that’s really good. So far so great! So happy for you, pal! I like Vietnamese food too, yes. Actually, I should go find out where Paris hides its Vietnamese restaurants. My February in two words? Uh, that’s hard. Good despite. Maybe that. Can you consolidate yours similarly? ** nat, Ho! I think I feel the same about fountains. I mean, that’s my third post about them, and I don’t really know why. Chances highly are that you’re not delusional. Perish the thought. Thanks about the premiere. Yes, we really did go through serious hell to make this film, and we were always determined that we would finish it no matter what, but it is kind of amazing that’s actually and really in the birth canal. And that’s it from me too. ** Right. I decided to go put a new bulb in the spotlight that fell upon this wacky, briefly trending little book from 11 years ago and then put the relit book in your line of sight again, and I honestly can’t say why. Have fun with it maybe? See you tomorrow.
Now available in North America 
Wow, really interesting. I think my big cultural blindspot is 2005-2020 for art, given that I wasn’t conscious enough to pick up on what was going on culturally (outside of really inescapable stuff like emo or COVID), but not enough time has passed for things to be inducted into the realm of “classics” yet, or at least hasn’t been able to exert influence over future art yet, so is basically imperceptible unless you’re actively looking – I guess what I’m saying is that it’s really interesting to get access to a most likely totally forgotten piece of cultural history from that period. Fanfiction is always fascinating, I think, at least to think about.
Oh, and weird fact about that game I just finished – apparently it’s inspired almost exclusively by the one film Robbe-Grillet made – “Last Year in Marienbad” – the one about a woman exploring a hotel. The game is sort of intimidating, at first at least. Invasive is an interesting word, I guess it definitely invaded my mind while I was falling asleep and trying to figure out what to do next, but it wasn’t any more intense than that. I think it had a similarly labyrinth-ish design to something like “Magus” or “House of Leaves”, but the fact that you need to understand chunks of it to progress (as with all puzzle-y videogames) slightly limits how much it can get in your head – like, every chunk of information has “meaning”, that can be refined into a code to a door or an answer to a riddle, rather than potentially being meaningless or irrelevant – if that makes any sense.
Oh man, I’m sorry to hear that about your back. Is it something you can get sorted out, potentially, or is it just a permanent fixture? Also, the Room Temperature teaser looks amazing, I’m so glad you managed to get out of that annoying situation with the money that you were stuck in a few months ago. I’m sure my week will continue getting better so… see you!
Dennis, Yeah, I asked the lady if there’s a docking station there to hook my laptop to for internet and all that. She replied that she doesn’t supply IT equipment and that I’ll have to get my own by submitting a ticket or bringing my own. Do you know what it’s like to submit a ticket? Every time I’ve done it, it gets approved and then 2 months later it’s denied and closed. I’ll just use their wifi. Fuck em.
Oh, and we got notice after hours on Friday that we’re back in the office full time on March 10. Bye bye, life. Ugh. I know one of my coworkers is gonna quit. Maybe two or more. This should be fun.
So, I went out this morning an my mom and David are playing Mario Golf on the Wii and having the best time. I wish he was like that all the time. Giggling, laughing, etc.
Hi!!
Congratulations on the trailer! AH!
This book would probably seem even wilder if I knew more about “Star Trek,” but it’s already intriguing as it is. Thank you!
It’s good that you decided to squeeze one more love out of the boys because I had two more saved – yours and this one: Writing something about himself makes love feel sick, Od.
Very much a Star Trek neophyte here, so this humour is of a type that goes completely over my head. Still, TFM seems a fun read! Fanfiction seems to have inspired a multitude of worthwhile literary endeavours.
I was happy to see Sean Baker sweeping last night’s Academy Awards. For an independent film to take home 5 Oscars is no small thing, plus I’m a fan of his other work too. More cinema about drug addicts and prostitutes please.
With a title like Kitty Glitter Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine (2012), this is likely to be a fun post. A threesome with a barbed-penised cat man sounds odd. And my male anatomy sympathises greatly with Picard’s being walloped in the gonads. A shame. There’s so much odd fiction out there on Amazon. Mostly insurmountable abouts of trashy erotica. Michael Jackson: The Sequel is a fucking hilarious title. If only I found more time to watch more Star Trek. There may not be such a thing as ‘the worst writer ever.’ Kitty Glitter has made a positive impression on me, so far. Poor Wesley ToT. Oh, to see an episode of Star Trek with dialogue like this excerpt’s. The phrase barbs scraped against her rectal walls’ got a chuckle out of me. As did ‘An orgy aboard the holodeck,’ imagining Patrick Stewart saying that is so funny. Lovely bit of writing. And as for the ROOM TEMPERATURE teaser trailer, nice to look at and listen to. Feels very fresh, if that makes sense. Kind of chilly.
I do believe Spring has sprung, D-Dawg. Another totally gorgeous day today, wowzers. Sooo sunny, warm enough for me to be able to wear only a T-shirt (and lower half clothing, duh) instead of having to pile on jumpers.
I love Zelda fountains, as digital places, and I love the music. I can play it on guitar, kind of. My weekend had plenty of free time to spare for flicking through fountains and spouting stuff about them.
I know one Jet song. Are You Gonna Be My Girl, I think it’s called. Rather toss, not my thing. It relies on one riff, and even that riff isn’t good enough to get away with itself. A damn boring song. When I think of Jet, I think of that song, then the p4k review I linked, and that’s it. They’re a forgettable band, and to my knowledge haven’t made much music that’s any cop.
I would have no claim to the maestro title were it not for the blog’s existence in the first place, probably. It’s nice that things which aren’t explicitly poetry can be considered poetic. I think it’s impossible to define a poem with one set of uniformly applicable criteria.
Woahwoah, sensiblextremity rocks. Gosh it’s so bright today. I wonder how rational and sensible could be mutually exclusive. Or if they could, shrug.
God, better times. To not have my (ALL!) straight chums flinging the word ‘twink’ at me. Teen is a label which makes more sense for me, since, I am one. Twinkies, however, are less objectionable. They’re gross but yummy. I had a few on the first Friday walk I had, on the final day before a Christmas break. That was an awesome day. Today isn’t as awesome, but I’ve nothing to complain about. Although I’ve no twinkies.
Thanks, my body continues to not fuck up on me. I could walk to college and back today *without* collapsing into a sobbing and pained mess, and go up stairs just fine. Praise be.
I’ve little knowledge of what LA’s people are like in films. I found myself unexpectedly talking about the current state of American politics with my history teacher, this morning. Not quite sure why she homed in on me for that conversation. Anyway, history today was starting to look at how Russia has treated various nationalities (hint: not very nicely). A lot of writing, I’ve pen all over both of my hands.
Working all weekend sounds of course not very fun. May next one be easier on you. So far, I’ve got the week under my boots and licking their soles clean. Presumably Thursday will make me its bitch, but that’s not for a few days, so I’ll enjoy my current comfort, yay. Mildly proud of myself for constructing a structurally sound wrap for lunch earlier today. Oo, and I started Try last night. Question that’s recently popped into my head – how do/did you go about *naming* characters? Do you just pick whatever, or, you know, not do that, and have some rules, or something? Am curious. I’ve the novel to thank for already introducing me to Nomeansno. They’re new. Anyway, I’ve an email to finish, and an afternoon and evening to enjoy. Also, Nicholas.’s site *is* pretty damn ravishing. Also, 2.0:
P.S., jay, may I (jay I, even) enquire as to the story behind the current profile picture of a guy and a scorpion getting it on?
See you tomorrow, blog and its observers. Another nice Monday :]