* (restored)
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“Arthur Paul Pedrick was a prolific British inventor who filed for 162 United Kingdom patents between 1962 and his death in 1976. His inventions were notable for their almost complete lack of practical applicability.”
Arthur Paul Pedrick retired as a patent examiner for the UK Patent Office in 1962, and began filing patent applications. There are quite a lot of them, and they include “SWINGING, OR SUSPENDED, MULTI-DECK CITIES” (GB1203166, August 1970), “IMPROVEMENTS IN THE FLIGHT DIRECTION AND LOCATION OF GOLF BALLS” (GB1121630, July 1968), the relatively prosaic “AUTOMATIC BOOT & SHOE CLEANING MACHINE” (GB992921, May 1965), and “SONAR PULSE EMITTING SUBMARINE CABLE FOR GUIDANCE OF SURFACE AND SUBMARINE VESSELS, AND THEIR DETECTION WITH SPECIAL REFERENCE TO AN INVESTIGATION OF THE LOCH NESS MONSTER” (GB1206580, September 1970).
The lasting impression is of Wallace & Gromit as drafted by Borges.
From the latter: “Since this problem of the “Loch Ness Monster”, must represent one of the principal unsolved “mysteries of science”, now that it is known the Moon is not made of green cheese, it is proposed that a comprehensive sweep of the loch be ade, from one end to the other, as indicated by the arrows in figure 24, using equipment generally similar to that in figures 16 to 23. […]
“If any object that might definitely be the “monster”, could be located, it could be investigated more closely by courageous “frogmen”, and it might be driven gently to one end of teh loch by a sweep of closely spaced cables, alternate cables being given an electrical potential, which would give the “monster” a very mild electric shock, to get its “cooperation”, in a manner, which would not be objectionable to the RSPCA, [Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals] such apparatus being indicated in figures 29 and 30.”
GB1405575A, “Propelling automobiles without using petrol or gasolene”
Arthur Pedrick, not insane, created with great care and deliberation patent applications for inventions he knew could not, would not work. His insightful manipulation of patent law, specifically in the composition of his applications, is the key reason so many of his applications were accepted.
Apparently, Pedrick’s applications are commonly studied as demonstrations of loopholes and important details in patent law. I don’t know the first thing about any of that, though.
GB1453920 an “Apparatus For Extinguishing Fires in High Rise Block Buildings of Uniform Transverse Cross-Section Or Plan”
It seems fair to think of Pedrick as playing a strange game with his former livelihood, somewhere between Bartleby and Professor Branestawm. Allowing for erratic punctuation, the flashes of black humour visible through his many applications makes for rewarding reading:
From “CRUCIFORM, KITE AND PARACHUTE AIRCRAFT” (GB1204649, December 1969): “It is certainly true that all forms and types of heavier-than-air craft are likely, from time to time, to go out of control and hit the ground violently.”
Ibid., “To effect an emergency … descent by giving the aircraft, as a whole, a parachute like form, the control cables 4 are completely released, so that the springiness in cables 3, causes them to fly out away from centre, and the aerodynamic forces operative below the curtains 5, will, it is hoped, expand them out like parachutes…”
I like the “it is hoped”.
Elsewhere in his work, Pedrick becomes thoughtfully concerned with the inadequacies of humankind, as well as an apparent personal difficulty with the consistency of his golfing.
From (GB1203166, February 1970): “This invention is concerned, in general, with the future well being of the species “homo sapiens”, and in particular, with the design or construction of cities or large “connurbations”.
“The species “homo sapients” is basically, but not always, gregarious and is often herded together at high surface density in what are called “cities”. To accommodate more people such cities have tended to expand laterally, as in the case of London, or vertically, as in the case of New York. In neither case is this very efficient since the spread of a city laterally, like London, absorbs land that otherwise is arable, or useful for agricultural purposes, whereas the building of very high structures as in Manhattan in New York requires a journey to ground level to pass from the top of one such structure, such as the Empire State Building, to the top of, for example, the Pan Am building.”
Ibid., “Furthermore, since both the species and the self propelled vehicles, it uses for transport, are oxygen breathing, and all this oxygen has, generally, to be produced by plants through the action of photosynthesis, it is at least possible that the continued growth in numbers of the species, and reduction in arable areas due to the horizontal spread of cities, could result in the species suffocating itself to death by causing a serious imbalance in consumption and generation of oxygen in the atmosphere, although this is not an immediate danger.”
At times a more sombre note is introduced, as in “IMPROVEMENTS IN ARRANGEMENTS FOR INITIATING A CONTROLLED FUSION REACTION USING DEUTERIUM AND TRITIUM PELLETS IN IMPLODING BULLETS FED WITH POWERFUL LASER BEAM PULSES” (GB1329297, September 1974), which includes these autobiographical notes:
“It is my personal experience based on a severe bout of Dive bombing by Stuka dive bombers in a light cruiser HMS “Dido”, in 1941, evacuating mainly New Zealanders from Crete, who had been sent in by the late Sir Winston Churchill, but who, after the battle with the Nazi paratroops had made the island untenable, Admiral Cunningham, the Naval C in C in Alexandria, realised must be got out if possible, that the surface warships just cannot survive attacks by large numbers of aircraft, on their own, and it is only the chance of fate that I happened to be in After Engine Room of the ship, when a bomb came down on B turret and created a carnage of twisted steel and bodies forward, that I am writing this now, but the memory of the experience still gives me a “nightmare” at times.”
“I have suffered all my life even from a by product of the 1914-18 war even if I was born after it. It is a personal fact that my father was a Lieutenant (E) serving in the disastrous K class submarines, by which the Royal Navy tried to create a Submarine which could steam on the surface at 20 knots to keep up with the Fleet, and he died of a lung infection created by the appalling conditions in such submarines, even before I was born. If a women [sic] is in bad metal [sic] state when she is in pregnant, it is obvious that she can pass on her state of mind to the foetus. This has made me a nervous individual all my life, and there are many times in my life I wish I had never been born. There are endless arguments about the subject of abortion on the “rights of the foetus”, and these could all be settled if, in some way, the future could be predicted for the foetus and it could decide whether it “wanted to be born”.”
A.P. Pedrick lived, as each of his applications reminds us, at 77 Hillfield Road, Selsey, Sussex. In the fullness of time, this location assumed grander titles. The “Hillfield Road, One Man Think-Tank Radiation Research Laboratory”, for instance, is the title given in Pedrick’s justly celebrated patent for a “PHOTON PUSH-PULL RADIATION DETECTOR FOR USE IN CHROMATICALLY SELECTIVE CAT FLAP CONTROL AND 1,000 MEGATON, EARTH-ORBITAL, PEACE-KEEPING BOMB” (GB1426698, April 1974).
GB1426698 begins in reasonable enough form, with an overview of the Crooke’s radiometer and Einstein’s 1905 Nobel-winning paper on the photoelectric effect, before pressing on into uncharted waters by postulating a new theory of the composition of a photon. This is expounded in two sides of exceptionally sadistic waffling, eventually arriving at the assertion that a mechanical device can be built to detect the colour of something, which allows Pedrick to design an automated cat flap that admits his own cat, Ginger, who is elderly and ginger, without admitting his neighbour’s cat, who is black and much younger and often eats Ginger’s food.
However, all of this is more or less set aside by the end of page 3, as Pedrick devotes a further couple of pages to documenting a conversation with his cat.
Ginger is of the opinion that there is an even better application for the photosensitive control. By way of a lengthy argument about the folly of nuclear brinksmanship, Ginger points out the same principle can be used in the construction of an Earth-orbiting Doomsday Device that will respond to any visible detonation of “H bomb carrying rockets” to “fall upon that part of the Earth’s surface from which the nuclear attack had originated.”
“But, of course, went on Ginger, because you won’t believe what Jesus Christ told you about “loving each other”, you also don’t trust each other, or, if you like, your governments don’t, which is perhaps understandable with two murderous World Wars since 1900. But, of course, if all your nuclear energy was used for peaceful purposes, instead of a large part of it being stored for blowing each other to bits with H bombs and the like, you could all save a hell of a lot of money, which would help to stop World Inflation and might even bring down the price of tinned cat food.”
Finally, Pedrick’s whimsical broadsides directed at other, more widely-recognised members of his former profession are not to be overlooked:
Not a shaggy dog story, not a figure of ridicule. If Pedrick didn’t exist, it would have been necessary to invent him.
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*
p.s. Hey. ** David, Yep. I read ‘The Wasp Factory’ a long time ago, but I don’t remember what I thought of it. I think I liked it. As ever, your history seems to swamp all other histories. I mostly live in my head, so I can’t compete. But thank you for making my head’s insides even weirder. Big week? ** David Ehrenstein, You think? I haven’t read the name Donald Antrim in a while. I guess that article explains why. ** Misanthrope, Oh, you mean scary hideous. Okay, now I understand. That’s better. I don’t know what the Kardashians got paid, but, yeah, it must have been a ton, right? I just had a quick search to see what reality show stars earn, and the Kardashians got $5 million per season, but otherwise it’s all over the place, from as low as $1000 per episode to $250,000 to $300,000 per season (for ‘Teen Mom’). Huh. Only, what, two more days until you’re free to have the chaotic Xmas you Wines are legendary for. ** Dominik, Hi!!! I probably shouldn’t talk about Plan B until Plan A is definitely a dead duck. Plan B is really several possibilities that range from very doable to just doable enough. Ugh. It was pretty delicious, yes. The last bites will be going down the hatch today. Well, hatches since they’ll be shared. Is ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’ still running? Wow. Well, I volunteer to help love cheat or whatever is necessary to win that sucker just so long as he repays me with a little film funding. Love dropping 5 feet of fresh, sparkling snow on Paris after gifting me with a pair of shoes that don’t have holes in the bottoms, G. ** Bill, Hi, Bill. Oh, yeah, his Dumb Type collab. That was great. Unfortunately, based on the last couple of pieces/installations I’ve seen by him, I think he’s a little lacking in fresh ideas of late. They’re been kind of an ‘Ikeda does Ikeda’ thing. A bit too familiar. It’s freezing here too, albeit in the normal time of year way. No complaints, though. Brrr = sex? ** _Black_Acrylic, Ha ha, nice hat! What do they call those things, I forget. Woolies? Beanies? Wooly beanies? You be stylin’, dude. ** T, Hi, T. Oh, yes you’d mentioned seeing an Ikeda show you really liked, I remember. (My autocorrect really wants Ikeda to be Ikea). Wow, you’re overseas! Or overchannel! Right, the restrictions. More every minute, ugh. I think Zac’s and my plan to go to Phantasialand in Germany for my birthday might have just gotten killed. With any luck, yeah, you should be able to come back as a teacher, although it’s so hard to know what tomorrow will entail. Jesus, what a mess. Anyway, I trust you will get back here with flying colors and Xmas presents in your bag. How did you know I need mental energy at vomit strength today? You’re a wizard. I hope your today is full of your parents treating you exactly as you most hope and dream they would. xo. ** Jeff J, Hi, Jeff. Yeah, I’ve seen a number of Ikeda’s pieces and performances over the years. He’s friends with Gisele and Steven. His wife used to work for/with Gisele. When he’s great, he’s great. I was just telling Bill that the last few installations I’ve seen, while pleasurable, of course, seemed kind of predictable and out of new gas. I think maybe he’s being a little too prolific at the current time? I saw the books you scored in Asheville on FB. Nice wad there. I think you asked people where you should start? I would probably say with ‘Three Poems’ and the Roubaud. The thing with our producer seems to be at a big crisis point. I don’t think it’s going to go well, but we’re ready to go another way if we have to. It’ll be harder and more obnoxious, but we’ll get make the film that way, and that’s the point. Wait, Stephanie’s stepfather recommended ‘The Marbled Swarm’?! How is that even possible? Wow, cool. And I’m very happy your friend was so moved by ‘I Wished’, and I’m happy it wasn’t such an outburst that the plane had to make an emergency landing. I … hm, don’t think I’ve done a full Robert Wilson post. I wonder if that’s possible, i.e. whether there’s enough video online. Probably. Huh. That would be good, probably a ton of work, but what else is new. Thanks, man! Pre-Xmas week fun or its opposite ahead? ** Brian, Hey, Brian. Glad you were interested. When I’m on a plane, I’m easy. I really just wanted to be distracted superficially by something that’ll make the clock seem to tick magically faster, and superhero movies are perfect because I can just watch their machinations and think about how they’re built and why that build functions so successfully for people. But I’m kind of a machination junkie. ‘Stalker’ was the only Tarkovsky that I kind of dug, but it was the first film by him I saw, and I didn’t know what his overall thing was. I’d be interested to see it again understanding what he generally goes for. I never understood why ‘Ludwig’ got so dismembered at first. Did the American powers-that-be really think it had potential as a big money maker or something? Very odd. Good luck acing your parents’ and aunt’s gifts. Parents are hard to buy for. Maybe it’s just mine, but I always felt like whatever I gave them, I’d get this vibe from them a la ‘You think after all we’ve done for you, this is a sufficient payback?’ I like peppermint, so that wish of yours is a wished-for go. Thank you. I hope yours finds you plunking down on the lap of the real, actually gifting Santa Claus. ** Okay. Today I give you a fun post from my old murdered blog that was made by the legendary, much missed former blog d.l. The Dreadful Flying Glove. Please find comfort therein. See you tomorrow.
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