Sypha presents … A 21st-Century Creation Myth *

* (restored)

 

1. In the beginning there were two 5th dimensional twinks. One day these two twinks decided to engage in sexual intercourse.

 

2. One of the twinks ejaculated:

 

3. Into the other twink’s cosmic asshole, otherwise known as Ginnungagap:

 

4. The semen of the first twink filled the void of Ginnungagap. The second twink farted, causing a Big Bang:

 

5. And thus was the Monad formed, and beneath it, the universe:

 

6. The Monad was populated by 4th dimensional beings known as the Aeons:

 

7. And they all lived in a heavenly palace:

 

8. One of these Aeons was named Sophia:

 

9. Sophia, desiring to emulate the twinks, tried to create a universe of her own, but ended up aborting a Demiurge:

 

10. The Demiurge descended down from the Monad, into the chaos of the universe:

 

11. There, it created a planet, with the idea it would resemble a giant turtle supported by a number of elephants:

 

12. but it kind of botched the job:

 

13. The Demiurge, its own origin unknown to it, declared itself the only god, and thus became known as the Eldritch Patriarch:

 

14. The Eldritch Patriarch created a paradise known as the Garden of Eden:

 

15. He then created the first man, named Adam:

 

16. And the first woman, named Eve:

 

17. The Eldritch Patriarch also created angels known as Archons to keep Adam and Eve ignorant:

 

18. Adam and Eve lived a blissful yet ignorant existence in this artificial paradise:

 

19. Sophia, wishing to liberate Adam and Eve from the blindness forced upon them by the Eldritch Patriarch formerly known as the Demiurge, sent down one of her own angels, Lucifer the Lightbringer, who thus urged Adam and Eve to read from the forbidden Book of Knowledge:

 

20. One of the archons tried to stop Adam and Eve from doing this:

 

21. But in the end, first Eve, then Adam read from the forbidden Book of Knowledge:

 

22. In anger, the Eldritch Patriarch cast Adam and Eve out of the Garden. This event became known as The Fall:

 

23. Entropy was thus ushered into the world:

 

24. Along with the arrival of death:

 

25. And Man became aware, for the first time, of his mortality:

 

26. Adam and Eve, now exiled, gave birth to two sons, the first being named Cain:

 

27. The second son was named Abel:

 

28. Cain and Abel were secretly lovers. However, the Eldritch Patriarch lusted after Abel and desired to make him his own personal catamite. In despair, Abel begged Cain to kill him, to prevent that fate from occurring. Cain regretfully killed his brother. For that crime, he was banished by the Demiurge to the underworld realm known as Arka, where he claimed the title Rex Mundi: Lord of the Earth.

 

29. To punish those who disobeyed him, the Eldritch Patriarch created a Hell to serve as a sort of spiritual prison:

 

30. This was what the gateway to Hell looked like:

 

31. At all times, the Eldritch Patriarch kept a gimlet eye on the actions of his creations:

 

32. The archons were entrusted with snaring the souls of departed humans and sending them back down to Earth, to prevent them from ascending to the Monad:

 

33. Some of the hornier archons began to have sex with the humans now populating the planet. This led to strange mutations:

 

34. The Eldritch Patriarch, annoyed by these aberrations, opened up the Doomsday Door:

 

35. A miniature apocalypse flooded the cosmos, as strange demons began preying on the populace of the planet:

 

36. By this point, humanity had begun to entertain serious doubts about the validity of the Eldritch Patriarch as a just and loving god:

 

37. All this occurred under the all-seeing eye of the Eldritch Patriarch:

 

38. The Eldritch Patriarch, disgusted with his botched creation, killed himself, plunging the world into a new Dark Age:

 

39. Completely unrelated to this narrative, here is an illustration of a kappa that I think is cute:

 

40. Humanity, having forgotten its origins, moved on. Until some of its shamans began experimenting with weird drugs:

 

41. These weird drugs gave the shamans visions of the Nether Realms of Chaos that predated Earth:

 

42. And the demons that populated the Nether Realms, dark energies known as the Deadlights:

 

43. Along with other Eldritch Abominations too horrible to name:

 

44. Humanity, mistaken the Nether Realms for the highest reality, fell into a cult of despair:

 

45. Another example:

 

46. Morbid art began to flourish:

 

47. This being the rational for such thinking:

 

48. Odd cults began to flourish as well:

 

49. Everything seemed so… meaningless:

 

50. People began to kill themselves in droves:

 

51. Though some prayed for salvation:

 

52. And this was their holy symbol:

 

53. In her infinite mercy, Sophia sent to the planet a savior, known as the Ithorian Messiah, who taught the people of the Monad and the 5th-dimensional twinks:

 

54. Humanity rejoiced:

 

55. And then it happened: the evolution into a higher race of life forms: the birth of the first starchild:

 

56. The End.

 

 

*

p.s. Hey. I’m on a train from Rennes to Paris this morning. It seemed like a no brainer to restore this crazy post devised long ago by the veteran d.l. and super-author, etc. James ‘Sypha’ Champagne, so there you go. Enjoy it. Tell Sypha something in return. See you tomorrow.