* (restored)
‘Gentlemen, I have done it. I have found a way to go slower than was ever thought possible.
‘You may remember from a few threads ago I made a vintage cars that used all the object data on the largest map possible – The Wheel Of Life And Death. The slowest ride with the longest possible track. at the time time i though this was the slowest you could go but I found a way to go slower.
‘When a roller coaster travels along a track of constant height its speed exponentially decays towards zero but never stops
‘With this in mind I build a spiral track on the biggest map. The train comes out of the station and hits breaks with slow it down to 4mph. then it travels along the track, always losing speed but never stopping, until it gets to the center. where it rolls back and does the spiral again until it gets back to the station. Calculations show that it would take 210 days to finish. not in game days. real life days.
‘Kairos – the slow
‘Just for comparison. Mr. Bones takes about – 70 minutes to complete. Wheel of life – 60 hours (3600 minutes) and Kairos – 210 days (303383 minutes).” — unnamed 4chan user
‘RollerCoaster Tycoon is a strange game. It was programmed by one man… in assembly language. The originals have stood the test of time in ways only the best 90s and early 2000s PC games do, even after a few sequels. That’s thanks not just to its solid foundation, but a creative fanbase that continues to output feats of engineering genius, from perfect roller coasters to viable microparks, but also, occasionally, an unrelenting doom coil of a ride that takes over 3,000 in-game years for unsuspecting guests to complete.
‘At first glance, Kairos might look like a spiraling descent into the underworld, but it’s just the isometric perspective fooling you. The actual ride is built on the largest map in the game, with tracks wrapping flat around the perimeter and spiraling into the center of the level. From there, the cars are supposed to roll back, complete the spiral a second time, and reach the initial station at the start. Brakes at the beginning of the ride slow the cars down to 4 mph, making for some painfully slow speeds throughout as that number decreases.
‘This is the only footage of Kairos apart from this Tumblr post documenting it, but you can see The Wheel of Life and Death, another creation by the same player, below — a fever dream of interlocking tracks like an eternal pattern in some abstract medieval hell.
The Wheel Of Life And Death
‘The first roller coaster as torture device creation, and the most infamous of all, is probably Mr. Bones Wild Ride, popularized on a 4chan thread that first introduced the madness of its 70-minute duration through a series of screenshots.’ — Motherboard
Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride
‘On March 26th, 2012, an anonymous 4chan user started a thread in the /v/ (video games) board, which included several screen captures from the amusement park management simulation game Roller Coaster Tycoon 2. The images showed a 30,696 foot roller coaster track with 38 riders that took four years of in-game time to complete. The original poster (OP) provided greentext descriptions of the images, explaining that passengers were constantly yelling “I want to get off Mr. Bones Wild Ride.” After the coaster ended, the passengers walked down a large path leading to another entrance to the ride, where they were greeted by an installation of a skeleton with a top hat and a sign reading “The ride never ends.” Prior to being archived, the thread accumulated over 325 responses.
‘After the 4chan thread was posted, a creepy pasta surfaced about a user visiting the Busch Gardens theme park while on vacation, where he discovers a strange ride as he wanders the park. After getting on the ride, he notices a giant skeleton tipping his hat next to a sign which read Mr. Bone’s Wild Ride.
‘On March 28th, 2012, Redditor lessonplan submitted a post to the /r/gaming subreddit titled “One does not simply get off of Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride,” which included several screenshots from the 4chan thread. Prior to being archived, the post received over 4,250 up votes and 225 comments. On April 3rd, FunnyJunk user SweatyAnReady submitted the same set of screenshots to the Internet humor site, which received over 19,500 views and 323 up votes within the next six months. On May 10th, a Facebook page for Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride was created, receiving 150 likes within the next five months. On May 22nd, a Mr. Bones thread was created in the /v/ board on 4chan, which received over 875 replies prior to being archived.’ — Know Your Meme
Etc.
Turkeyslam RollerCoaster Tycoon 2 – Euthanasia Coaster
This is the product of my friend and I getting hammered on strong booze. When I found out that the Twister Coaster allows launched lift hills…. we had to. This coaster is ten miles long and probably has strong enough G-forces to knock out and kill a whale.
PenguinCoastersProduction Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 – Wooden Rainbow Death Coaster
maciozo Here’s another one. This time, everyone dies.
GamingVerified Roller Coaster Tycoon 3: Death Ride
guavagirliee Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 Crash
RIP innocent minions 🙁 creativity at its finest~
Etc. Etc.
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p.s. Hey. ** Charalampos, Hi. My favorite Bertolucci films are ‘The Conformist’, ‘Luna’, and maybe ‘Spider Stratagem’. Yes, RIP Margit Carstensen. I should do a post about her. I’ll look into it. Hope you’re doing good in your new abode. ** T. J., Hi there! I’m excited by the mental image of those blurry pix, so you seem like you’re in a good place. Everything else good too? ** Dominik, Hi!!! You’re back! Wow, next Wednesday, that’s crazy. And so exciting. Can’t wait to read your new surroundings reports. The meeting with Puce Mary was really good. She’s working on some sketches for the haunted house sounds, and we’re going to meet again and listen to them on Friday. The editing is great. We’re about halfway through a rough first edit of the film now. I’m so happy you (and love) isolated that slave sentence since I loved and grabbed it so fast. Love turning the Eiffel Tower into a Whirling Dervish, G. ** Jack Skelley, Tuesday? Like … tomorrow? Whoa. Those images can definitely be part of the DC’s FOKA shebang, you bet. Wait, didn’t Gallagher die? And, if so, why isn’t his brother just carrying on? Or is he? I will admit I haven’t kept up. We’re only relegated two tiny scenes and a piece of a third long scene to the cutting room floor so far. So far. Not bad. Start practicing in front of a mirror. xo. ** Mark, Hi. Yeah, David and I were friends. I was actually the first person to ever showcase his work in an issue of my lit mag Little Caesar. Oh, your worked at Tom of Finland and kind of still do. I had several friends who worked there, but my closest friend who did was the artist Richard Hawkins. Did you guys share ToF time? I’ve met Durk a few times, but we just exchanged hellos and stuff. What’s going on in the GlobalSexual festival? Probably way too much for a comment, but … Yeah, I was interviewed on camera for ‘Queercore: How to Punk …’ but Yony cut me out of the film, ha ha. ** David Ehrenstein, I’ll have to watch that clip you linked to later. It looks curious. ** l@rst, Hey, L! How’s it going, bud? ** myneighbourjohnturturro, Oh, wow, hi! I was just thinking about you and wondering how you are the other day. Great to see you! Lurking is legit and understood. We’re definitely hoping for some kind of release or something in the UK with this new film. Way too early to know yet though. At the moment I’m kind of in love with the new Water From Your Eyes album. What about you? Oh, right, it’s almost mid-year Mine for Yours time. I have to get on that. Do be here anytime the inclination arises. ** _Black_Acrylic, Hey, Ben. Art historical types … whatev’. Let me know if I should dig into ‘M’ if you dig in. ** Jamie, Hi, Jamie. I seem to be perfectly okay, thanks. We’re actually at a little over 60 minutes edited. It is a surprisingly good pace, but it still needs a shitload of finessing work. Dodie is an excellent model for the essay form absolutely. The perfect model maybe even. I used to get impetigo every few years, always in the same patch of skin on my arm. But it hasn’t happened in a long time, weirdly. Probably a bad sign. On your face? Err. But it fades out pretty quickly, no? I think mine did? Flawlessly surfaced love, me. ** Misanthrope, He is a star! Our boy’s done good! I was sunburned for a month when we were shooting the film. At first I tried sunblock, but it made my eyes swell up and water so I had to surrender to the burn. Def. schedule that op. Ouchy. My weekend was pretty nothing much, which, even so, was an okay break from the editing. ** Bill, I like Simon Liu. I actually did a studio visit with him years ago when he was still a student. Nice lad. Congrats about the prize! That’s ace! I didn’t know or didn’t remember that you have carnivorous plants. Err, what do you feed them? Twinks, I hope? ** Kettering, Mr. C, yeah, ha ha. Uh, there used to be this terrible sitcom when I was young that I was strangely obsessed with called ‘My Mother the Car’, and I used to want to be the car. Don’t delete. I can handle a boatload of comments. I’m a vet. I haven’t rewatched ‘Toby Dammit’ in ages, but, yeah, I liked it. It was during Fellini’s especially good phase. I know I’m odd, but I read Bernhard from first page to last with great excitement. And, yes, letting go rules. I grew up going to Disneyland every few months, so I’m pretty attuned to surrendering above the neck. Thank you for the lovely pink energy. I could use some. Same to you and glittery. ** Tea, Hi, Tea! How’s it? Nice reading there, obviously. My copy’s still in the mail. Fiddle fiddle. ** Thomas Moronic, And finally the great man himself! Ah, thanks, pal. Ditto ditto ditto. Big love, me. ** Right. I thought maybe this restored post could satisfy both coaster lovers like me and coaster haters like maybe some of you? See you tomorrow.
Now available in North America 
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Hi!!
Yeah, it does feel pretty crazy, haha.
Ah, it’s so, so exciting that you’re working with Puce Mary! And wow! I know nothing about film editing, but that sounds like really good progress! Are you happy with how it looks so far?
That’d make the usual Eiffel Tower visits a lot less cliché for sure, haha! Love giving the title “I Want to Get Off Mr. Bone’s Wild Ride” to his autobiography, Od.
Dennis, I’m going into the office today, so I’m up early. One day a month. My friend Salvattore and I have this thing about the “burdens” of work: HOW DARE THEY!
Like…these people expect me to come into work and then actually work? HOW DARE THEY!
My sunburns usually give way to tans pretty quickly, so I’ll be okay very soon.
Thanks, yeah, I gotta schedule…something for this dumb hernia thing. Ugh.
Woah Puce Mary that’s awesome to hear. Love her work, my friend Saul met her I think at some event you held a long while back if I recall correctly and told me she was a witch(In a good way). The teardrop explodes, I will definitely listen to them, the name is very good. Rolled out of bed and went to work for the last 9 days in a row, sorry for the extreme delay in response. Memorial day weekend then Dodger’s games. Absolute nightmare, in fact I’m dreaming of shots and modelo and broken glass and spilled draft beer. As recompense, if you haven’t heard Venus In Leo by HTRK that is easily in my trinity of favorite records if not my absolute favorite. Little Joy is actually still on that corner of Portia and Sunset, but it’s been completely remodeled and now looks like something off Abbot-Kinney. It’s busy as all hell in turn so we make good money now. As for the next Mildred record, ideally next summer but sometime next year. I’ve got 3 pieces learned by the band(one 3 minute one and 2 ten minute ones). 6 of the 9 songs so far demo’d but three more are still baking in the oven and being redrafted. Hope by the time we go to the studio I can hit eleven tracks again. Scrapped some lyrics and redrafted them recently and wrote new movements. The new record is more heavy on the lyrics and I think actually engenders the narrative aspect I was trying to achieve on the last record. I’ll put in two excerpts from two of the tracks I’m quite excited about that I think you’d enjoy.
Lila
‘Black mold on the stucco inhales a part of me.
I twirl my hair smiling at the barman.
He loses himself in its absence of light,
And slides a shot across the aching wood.
I reach out with my pale left hand, an answer.
Once I learned violence was just a parallel reaction,
When I befell to carnal desire.
Somewhere a door comes unlocked,
and the wind carries darkness,
And we’re all just victims of blind collisions,
And we only love what we can gain,
Experiences that dull the pain.’
Drifter’s Tragedy Pt. 2
‘…on the precipice of a dying sun,
I am blissfully obliterated.
The whole circus is an after joke,
And I’m all out on it’s whirlwind.
And to think we heard anyone at all,
No summer of yesterday,
That’s long gone out of my control,
Pissed it all away… ‘
hiiii. Oh the elephant! Tyke was her name. She was actually a really big girl, and sadly I wish she did have a good escape, but they ended up shooting her down. It was in Honolulu. She trampled her trainer to death (Her abuser, who deserved it) and then made a run down the street. I hope she had at least felt somewhat free in those last moments before she was chased down, but I’m sure it was all pain, sadly. She was a good girl. Elephants are really smart but horribly abused creatures treated as circus animals. They also don’t throw up!
I like this clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoTYV22qZTg
Did it send? Ahhh. It sums ups my love for elephants.
The guy who is speaking in that clip is Terry David. A genius programmer but tortured soul. He crested his own PROGRAM AND CODING. Its insane! Sadly he was schizophrenic and that was something that tormented his life but at least for a while he was able to channel that pain into something. I like the dick post phss Have you hear of that Russian performance artist who nailed his dick to the square? Petr Pevlesnky? I was really into performance art for a while. Petr did that thing where he sewed his mouth shut like that one guy in the 80s.
Oh really? Yay! Friends are cool. New ones too! Oh do you want to read something I wrote? You don’t have to, and if you do ,you don’t have to read the whole thing. The thing I wrote a long time ago was kind of bad and poorly copied from the book I wrote over, and its not my usual style. This one is from the book I’m writing now, a little darker, and I’ve only showed my other friend it, which is a really big thing! But also it would be cool to know if based on the excerpt if its ok or needs work? Its also a draft so sorry if its chaotic, if you do read it! If your too busy I understand!
byu
Hi! I’m back whats up! I was desperately tired all weekend and just walking around sorta clubbing so nothing terribly exciting has been happening. Still having fun but it’s somewhat tinged with a lot of psycho babble about stuff I honestly do not care too much about which is weird. How are what’s up oh also thanks for the advice! I guess this my next question before you realized you were a good writer what did you think your talent would be? Or did you just start writing and go from there honing that? I guess I’m at the point where I know I’ll have to be using my own talents all the time and I sorta got all the killer instincts most people don’t need and some of cool crazy sexy gay brain rot art stuff from being cool and cultured and having averse access to the internet for decades. I don’t know sometimes I feel like a really sharp pearl that could just cut a perfect hole through anything it was dropped through and other times I feel like a mad wizard who just wants to have and fun and love dudes which is such a hard job to wanna take up anyway. I’m rambling anyway thanks for being my friend means a lot all the time and what have you been eating for dinner lately or what was a really good thing you had recently! Be back pronto!
Ha, this is an amusing project.
I’ve actually been growing carnivorous plants for years. It was a relatively small community back in the ’90s, great to see how it’s really grown since. (Not so great to see the prices so high now, sigh.)
My Japanese-American photographer friend (Kaz Senju) was not familiar with Taro Masushio or Junichi Enya. But he shares some resources.
Masushio had a recent show in NY:
https://ulrik.nyc/Taro-Masushio
There’s various Japanese online articles on Enya. After google translate:
https://ogizakiworld-seesaa-net.translate.goog/article/201210article_2.html?_x_tr_sl=ja&_x_tr_tl=en&_x_tr_hl=en&_x_tr_pto=sc
The Ogizaki collection claims to be the only archive of gay art in Japan; it has some photos by Enya. Here’s another article from their website, with more photos:
https://ogizakiworld.seesaa.net/article/201210article_1.html
A short video on the Ogizaki collection (I didn’t spot any Enya photos though):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UPLHDMEBjc
I think Masushio picked the more interesting photos for his project, and I really like the incredibly detailed drawings he made from the photos. The other Enya photos I’ve seen seem more conventional, though definitely of historical interest.
Bill
I spent a little time designing rides for theme parks, never an actual roller coaster though. There is a trade association for the attractions industry, IAAPA. They do an annual expo in Orlando https://www.iaapa.org/expos/iaapa-expo It’s the ultimate theme park nerd freak show gathering.
Oh, I see, there were Arthur Rimbaud in New York images published in Little Cesar #11. Very cool! I know Richard’s work but don’t recall meeting him. Do you know Kristian Hoffman (of Mumps fame)?
Uh-oh! I want to see those out-takes! Yony is going to be in LA in July. His new film is Chokehole: Drag Wrestlers do Deutschland. There will apparently be a wrestling match as part of Outfest…
For some reason today’s post got me thinking about this 1980s advert for the Game of Life. Never played it but still, always seemed like its own kind of torture.
Hi Dennis.
How are you? I’m doing well. My apologies for not responding in several days. I’ve been busy. This was a really amusing post. I’ve never played Rollercoaster Tycoon before, but I’ve seen plenty of humorous photos and videos. As a roller coaster fan, they really excite and amuse me. Speaking of which, I watched George A. Romero’s The Amusement Park this morning, a really sad, brutal PSA about ageism. It has a lovely vintage theme park, yet nothing but awful things happen at it. I recommend it, as well as his film Martin, which is my favorite of his. I think it’s the best horror film of the 70s next to Texas Chain Saw Massacre. I plan to watch Midnight Cowboy tonight. Do you have any underrated queer films you like, Dennis? I’ve been listening to The Cure, mostly Pornography, and Béla Bartok. Have a good one, Dennis!
hey Dennis – Glad to hear the editing is going so well. Any particular revelations in viewing the footage? Anything feels like it’s shifting in terms of story, tone, performance?
Glad you’re up for the Bookworm post. Yep, I believe this is a tweaked version of the book that was originally aimed for McSweeney’s many years back — and I hope it’s the first in a series. The focus in on authors who’ve passed away and had multiple visits to the show like Ashbery, Sontag, Didion, Gass, DFW, Morrison, etc. Plus long interviews with John Berger and Grace Paley that were done for Lannan but never broadcast. It all reads and translates to the page amazingly well.
Been frenetic since returning from the writing residency – catching up on freelance work, plus attending out of town wedding this past weekend and prepping for teaching gig at literary fest in Kentucky this coming weekend. Maybe we could aim to catch up via zoom sometime over weekend of 17/18th?
Have you ever done a post on Robert Ashley’s work? I was really blown away by performance of “Perfect Lives” at Big Ears by the Brooklyn ensemble Varispeed Collective. Been surprised that nobody I know seems to be even vaguely familiar with him or his work.
PS – Really enjoyed the slow rollercoaster post and especially the weekend’s post about the new Thomas Moore novel! So glad to know he has a new one out. I’ve added it to the short list to buy.
Hi Dennis, how are you? Just came here to say hello. I’m so behind with all your fantastic posts it’s starting to stress me out lol. Hope you’re extremely well, my gorgeous friend? I miss the sensation of reading your books for the first time. Any idea how I can recreate that thrill? Gx
hi, dennis!! thanks for the kind words. my weekend was pretty boring as I had to spend most of it studying for a college exam, which happened this monday. anyway, at least I’m free now. how was yours?
also, you keep surprising me! I didn’t know you were a filmmaker! that’s insanely cool. I will definitely do my research about the movies that you and your collaborator have made before. I really love films, so discovering that it’s very nice.
moreover, great post! although I am part of the rollercoaster haters club. see you soon!
Oh great! I actually think about you a lot. So great to see you so active and making work. I have this new bf so obviously I gave him the George Myles cycle. We’ll see how he goes… Have you heard the Model/Actriz album? Incredible. Plus, the dreamcrusher single and the Lana Del Rabies album. There is also this beautiful boy, Harsh Symmetry. His stuff is not so original, yet I love it! Great to hear from you, Dennis.