Ich *

* (restored/expanded)

 

“I need love! Avete capito? The endless theme of my life is my longing for love. I just can’t get enough love.” — Helmet Berger

‘Unfortunately, Helmet Berger’s autobiography Ich has not been translated into English yet. So it is my duty and a pleasure to introduce you to the contents of Helmut Berger’s autobiography and provide you with a few anecdotes from the life of this great actor who was born in 1944 in the small Austrian town Bad Ischl. He wrote the book together with his friend Holde Heuer, a journalist from Munich.

‘As a sort of prologue Berger tells the reader: “Yes I am tainted by the beautiful things in life. But to all those who only want to see my as an agent provocateur and an excentric I can only say: With every day of my life the number of people I don’t give a damn about grows and grows. All my friends know: This book belongs to Luchino Visconti the great director. By the end of the book all my readers will know that the world is not only round and that love is the only true source of life.”‘ — Holde Heuer

 

 

‘Berger begins with his biggest personal problem: He has two sides – one nice and kind as an angel the other bad as the devil. He goes on and tells the reader a few examples of people who got to know his dark side: Alain Delon who wanted to take his part on Visconti’s side.’

“I fucked Delon’s wife Nathalie. I really liked her. We had fun in bed together with Maria Schneider who became famous on Marlon Brando’s side in The Last Tango in Paris. To make my success complete I contacted a journalist and made sure that Delon got to know about the whole affair. It is dangerous to pick a fight with me.”

 

 

Richard Burton was an alcoholic and had another quarrel with his wife Liz ‘Taylor. Berger sprayed chocolate truffles on a couch just before Burton lay down there. When he stood up again to go to the film set his trousers were all brown. Berger: “Richard looked shit.”‘

“Sometimes I don’t understand myself. I drink all night long I fight I destroy bars… I ask myself why I have to do this. After one of my excesses I was imprisoned in Rome for four days. A terrible time. But that other thing in me was stronger once again. That satanic devil just won’t let me be.”

 

 

‘He then goes back to 1974 and talks about the famous “Bad taste” Party on his 30th birthday in the famous “Jackie O.” Nightclub in Rome. Everyone: Valentino, Bianca Jagger, or Ursula Andress dressed in strange kind of ways. The more cocaine there was the crazier the party people became. Everything was fun to Berger back then. Over the past few years he became more and more thoughtful about many things in his life.

‘After arriving in London, Berger took his first acting lessons and worked as a waiter in an ‘In-Restaurant’ on King’s Road and as a model. All of the houses of the stars (for example Cat Stevens) were open, joints were smoked and free love – to be precise: orgies – were en vogue. Berger made his first sexual experiences involving men.

“There were so many of us. You touched your neighbour. It just happened. You are relaxed, a bit high, you caress and want to be caressed. Everything gets very erotic and you feel horny. You undress. Feel free from rules and morals. Oh, I, I, you play with yourself and with others. We are all sisters and brothers. A sweet boy turns me on, it feels natural.”

 

 

‘His first LSD-experience was in the USA, during the promotion-tour for The Damned (it must have been 1969). He was there together with his friend Ylia Suchanek from Austria. Berger took it in the house of Hair producer Michael Butler, “a master of this drug”. He describes his trip – thank god, a good one! – and tells the reader that it is necessary to drink a lot of juice to clean the body. No alcohol! But we all love Berger because he is so human. He makes mistakes. Berger’s cocaine-career started in 1971 in Rome (Nightclub “Number One”).’

“It was the jet-set-drug. If everybody was on it, I had to be too. You know, I am very easily influenced by other people. I like modern things. I wanted to be “in” back then. Immediately I took half a pound…”

‘His friend Egon von Furstenberg lead him to the club “The Glory Hole”, a nasty place. There were holes everywhere. The two men put their private parts in there. You never knew who or what was behind there. They had great fun there an stayed until six in the morning. Visconti had to leave America soon (he was not wanted as a communist and only allowed to stay for the premier of “The Damned”. Visconti did not like the USA anyway, but he must have enjoyed the “dirty” T-shirts Berger brought him.)’

 

 

‘The craziest thing happened on the ball of Monte Carlo. Berger sniffed cocaine of bad quality. Then he sat down to eat, but a fart become very liquid and landed in his trousers. He wore white trousers! So they became brown and he could not stand up and had to sit still from 9 till 4 in the morning. All his friends thought he was sick because he did not want to dance with them – usually, Berger is a passionate dancer. After he got home he changed his clothes and danced ecstatically in a club because he had to get all the stress of the evening out of his head.’

“I become the opposite of what I really am. A person that I hate. This liar, this monster, this anti-human being, it acts as if it were the devil himself. A horror! It started after Visconti’s death in 1976. The shock of my life. I used strong alcoholicas, drank them more and more often. I knew: My life is divided in the Helmut Berger before Luchino Visconti and the one with L.V. And, of course, the one after L.V. And this one could be a nightmare.”

 

 

‘When they first met and had lunch, Visconti would not leave Berger for one second, but the young man was afraid of his feelings. Berger wanted a real relationship. He wanted to live in Paris. And – he wanted luxury. They lived together in Paris. Visconti was a bit conservative, he did not want people to know he was gay – even the people working for him (he had several maids, a cook, etc.). So they had seperate bedrooms, but Berger would come to Visconti’s room at night… But Visconti also told him to leave afterwards and sleep in his own bed. His behaviour shows that he belonged to a different generation. Berger needed young people around him. So often at night he left the house in secret. And his night flights became wilder and wilder. Visconti prefered to read and hear classical music between his films or wrote scripts. Berger confesses that he played a game first, but very soon he really fell in love with Visconti.

‘Visconti also introduced him to new people. Were it musicians and models first (in London), was Berger now introduced to international artists – conductor Leonard Bernstein, opera singer Maria Callas, ballet dancer Rudolf Nurejev – Berger had an affair with him, Nurejev was sexually hyper-active, but Berger disliked the Russian’s passion for garlic and vodka. Nurejev wanted to live with Berger but he could not give him the safety of Visconti. For a short time, Nurejev was his lover, Visconti was his husband and his father.

‘The Beatles played a concert in Rome in 1967. Visconti wanted to make Berger happy, so he invited the Fab Four to a private dinner. They talked about music. Visconti said that pop and classical music should come together, they should make a concert with Leonard Bernstein. The Beatles were enthusiastic about this idea, but their manager did not like it. It was too soon for such a project back then. Berger liked all four of the Beatles, but he had the best relationship to Ringo Starr, they are still friends. The superstars were all a bit shy and nervous because of Visconti. But when he talked about his opera productions for too long, they also got a bit bored. After the Beatles had left Visconti said: “Why don’t they cut their hair?” Berger also wanted to have long hair, but Visconti had forbidden it.’

“Love is easier with men. They all have a mother complex, they don’t look at the eyes of a woman or at her hands, but at her breasts. Men don’t think about love and rainbows. You go out and then you do it, simply because you are horny. You say “Ciao” afterwards and not “Ti amo”.”

 

 

‘Berger writes about his friendship with Liz Taylor. They shot “Aschermittwoch” (“Ash Wednesday” 1973) together. Richard Burton was very jealous when Berger and his wife had to play a love scene. They all celebrated new year’s party in Switzerland afterwards, Burton broke his arm, because he was drunk and fell. Berger liked him, although Burton often treated his wife Liz Tayler bad. They had great fun. When Liz Taylor woke them in the morning, both men wore very small red slips. She was surprised. But Italians say that you should wear red clothes for the first 24 hours of ever new year. If you do it, it will become a happy year.

‘Berger was very tired after that film and so Visconti told him to visit Florinda Bolkan in her house in Rio de Janeiro. Florinda and her friends behaved strangely. Berger knew that something was wrong. After a few hours they told Berger that Visconti had suffered a stroke and died while Berger was flying from Rome to Rio. Visconti had smoked 80 cigarettes a day his whole life through!’

“I had a black out. I beat up Marina, Florinda’s friend. After I had come to my senses again, I packed my suitcases and drove to the airport. I wanted to buy my first-class-ticket to Rome, but the Italian “Alitalia” took me to Rome for free. Why? Because of respect for the master Luchino Visconti. Only Italians do such things. There was a state funeral for Visconti. Everyone was there: the government, Fellini, de Sica, Claudia Cardinale, Alain Delon, everyone. They all wore dark sunglasses. Only I didn’t. I wanted that people could see my face. I wanted to say goodbye to Luchino naked. There was nothing to hide. No tears were rolling out of my eyes. I guess I was in a state of trance. I only looked at the huge heart made of flowers that I built for the funeral. Everything else seemed unreal to me. I was acting in a film, without sound, without soul, without Luchino. I was alone. God, I think I deserved it. No!”

“One year later, March, 17, 1977, I wanted to follow Luchino. I believed and hoped to meet him in his new world. What should I do down here on earth withouth him? My preparations were perfect. I had collected all the pills I could get. I had to be careful, because all my friends and Maria were watching me. When I had enough pills, I was happy and swallowed them. But by chance, Maria, who started working in the afternoon already arrived in the morning on that day. She found me. I don’t know if this was good or not. I don’t know that, even now, twenty years later. Scusi!”

 

 

‘Berger talks about his friendship with Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. They were partying in New York, Paris, everwhere. No city was safe from them. Bianca Jagger was there, too. Berger liked both of them, he even landed in bed with them. But he tells us that there was no sex. The window of their hotel room was open, so they awoke at noon. Beneath their window was the garden of the hotel, with an outdoor cafe. Mick and Helmut could not fall asleep again. Angry, as they were, they urinated on the heads of the guests of the cafe. Of course, their hotel bill was enormously high. There are bans on Berger entering the Paris “Plaza”, the Munich “Four Seasons” and “Palace”.’

“Without sex I get nervous and hysterical. I take a cold shower. I am not one of those men who have to fuck every night. My libido is quite controlled. I need one or two drinks before I can really feel free. When I was young, I wanted to be seduced. Now I take all the pretty young men into my bed and say: ‘Rock me, babe.’ My affairs never last long. I often ask myself ‘Why?’. I am too critical. I am bossy, aggressive. I ask for too much. If I think about it, sex really is not that important for me. Why not masturbate for six months?”

 

 

‘Berger went skiing in the winter time. Visconti wanted him to go to Kitzbhel, because he thought that Berger would only be doing nasty things in St. Moritz. Of course, that could not stop Berger. He spent the annual income of many people in four weeks (although he had a cheap room). Visconti feared that Helmut hurt himself when he skied, so he had a good insurance for “Ludwig II”, which started a bit later. Berger liked playing Ludwig and still can identify with this man who was against war. He says that Ludwig is the role of his life. He was very nervous at the shootings and could not sleep.’

‘It was a hard shooting and Berger would not have survived it without co-star and friend Romy Schneider. She did not want to be in “Ludwig II” first. But Visconti changed her mind: “Times have changed. You are not the little Sissy any more. Trust me. Start to hold your head up high. And walk like an empress.” But Schneider was not happy in real life. Though she was married again and had an affair with German Chancellor Willy Brandt, she still loved Alain Delon. He was the love of her life. She was a great actress, but pills and alcohol lead to her early end.’

“Who understands the schizophrenia of an actor? You play a role for months, as if it was your real life. Then you are at home for a while, but after that you play the next role. What a chaos. And then there are all the people, they want to know what sort of life you lead. The looks behind your back. I don’t feel good all the time. It is a very exhausting job. And if I have a problem, I simply leave and travel around. That’s me. I don’t want to talk about problems. I just leave.”

 

 

‘In 1978 Berger played in “The Fifth Commandment” (Duccio Tessari), a film about two brothers who are gangsters and are finally shot by the police. The film was shot in Germany. In Munich he was introduced to Holde Heuer, the co-author of his autobiography. She was responsible for the promotion of the Hilton Hotel and saved Berger from being kicked out of the house due to misbehaviour: Holde saved Berger. She kept him from the cheap Munich drug scene. She warned him not to deal with the people around Rainer Werner Fassbinder. During this time in Germany Berger had lunch with Maria Schell, Curd Jegens and director Werner Herzog. Berger paid the enormous bills. A project with Fassbinder did not work out.’

“Fassbinder wanted to work with me. I sat in the cafe and waited. He arrived an hour late together with a friend, just as I was about to leave. He was full of cocaine. I told him that I could not talk to him in the state he was in. And I left. Fassbinder tried to get me for two of his films later. But I did not like the fact that Fassbinder never had a script and only followed his intuition. And I also did not like Fassbinder’s looks, his dirty leather-clothes and that he had not shaved for days.”

“After Luchino’s death, I received hundreds of letters. But only three from Rome (from Flora Mastroianni, Virna Lisi and his agent Carol Levy). But what about all the other friends and artists? What had happened? Suddenly people said that Visconti’s style was out of fashion. ‘Viscontian’ was a negative word. But his films were classics. I believe that his colleagues were envious. He was dead, so there was no one who could show that all the films of the other directors were crap. I was out of my mind for the next years. For the other directors I was a ‘Viscontian’ actor. Without Luchino I was not half the man and actor I used to be. He had tainted me. Tainted by the beautiful things in life. The taste in his films, the style, the design. … All those things were reasons for my suicide attempt. Even now I am not used to the fast-food-filming of so many other actors. I want quality in the films. Is that too much? The producers fear that I want my own make-up artist, Alberto del Rossi, that I want my own secretary. They fear class and style. But I believe in the creative power in artists. I don’t give up.”

 

 

“Let’s think big. I was never interested in mediocrity. I wanted to play big parts.”

‘And so he did, in The Voracious Ones (Sergio Gobbi), Vittoria (Antonio Ribas) or in the American movie Entebbe with Liz Taylor, Richard Dreyfuss, Kirk Douglas, Burt Lancaster and Linda Blair.’

“Linda Blair – we had a wild, fast flirt. We had an affair in the Chateau Marmont in Hollywood. But I also had sex with her brother. He seduced me. It was a family-affair. I hope that God will not damn me.”

 

 

‘When Berger became a member of the cast of the TV series Dynasty – Denver Clan he was not allowed to even speak to colleagues and friends who played in Dallas, because there was a rivalry between the two tv-series. His colleagues Linda Evans, Joan Collins, Pamela Sue Martin and John Forsythe were friendly in the beginning, and so were Spelling’s secretaries. But Berger immediately realized that they did not mean what they said. As said before, he never liked America and its citizens. The Denver people said that Berger was not allowed to meet people like Nicholson or Marlon Brando because everyone in Hollywood knew that those people were sniffing cocaine. He was also not allowed to visit the best night club, “Studio One”, because it was known for his homosexual guests.’

“I could not believe it. All those jerks. Puritans. But secretely they all watch porno movies. I did not follow their rules. I had to come to the office every second day. They told me that my role would slowly disappear, if I would not do what they said. I answered: ‘You really believe that I stay at home and don’t meet my friends? Really? Heil Hitler.’ So I was only part of Denver for eleven episodes. In the end my airplane crashed against a mountain.”

“I was out of my mind for the next years. For the other directors I was a ‘Viscontian’ actor. Without Luchino I was not half the man and actor I used to be. He had tainted me. Tainted by the beautiful things in life. The taste in his films, the style, the design. … All those things were reasons for my suicide attempt. I want quality in the films. Is that too much? The producers fear that I want my own make-up artist, Alberto del Rossi, that I want my own secretary. They fear class and style. But I believe in the creative power in artists. I don’t give up.”

 

 

‘A very strange fact is that Berger says he is attracted to Fidel Castro, he calls him “a sexy bitch” and states that Cuban men are “well-built”. Berger would like to be alone with Castro and a video camera….!’

“I take a lot of power from nature nowadays. I go to the country, visit friends in Upper Austria and relax. I read Musil and erotic books. My wildest days are over. Only sometimes I allow myself to act crazy. When I travel. Shopping- and party-orgies. But even when Luchino was alive I could have a quiet day without any action. Well, of course I became a bit restless on the second day. If I don’t feel free, I just leave. There are so many beautiful things, I would not want to miss them. I went out or drove to Ischia. You know, life goes on. And today? I am still curious about new roles, new impressions, my friends and about myself. You know, I like myself. I am what I am. Take me or leave me!”

 

Helmut Berger ICH ICH ICH

Helmut Berger interview naked in bed with a cigarette talking about Visconti

Helmut Berger on German TV in “Harald Schmidt Show“

Official Trailer – HELMUT BERGER, ACTOR (2015)

 

 

*

p.s. Hey. ** James, Les Blank no doubt sends his greetings back to you from the grave. As do I from aboveground, much appreciated attentive one. Haha, age verification. Happy to have helped de-virginize you on the tentacle front. Well, presumably, depending on what you do with your newfound wisdom. Thanks for using ‘Closer’ as a metaphoric champagne bottle on the stern of your 2025-housed bookwormy future. I think the dude on the cover of the American ‘Frisk’ is underwater too but more subtly. Trivia: the dude/model on the cover grew up to be the currently rather well known drag performer Sherry Vine. Socks need to be reinvented. I hope you survived Tuesday. Seemingly so, no? ** Dominik, Hi!!! I’ve fallen way behind on PJ Harvey. Strange how that happens. Same with Nick Cave, but, in that case, I’ve lost actual interest. I had to look that love up. Soko. Never heard of that entity. And it says they’re French. Okay, this one’s easy. I love L.A. (We love it!), G. ** Misanthrope, What’s that old saying … ‘Fool me once, … etc.’. Yikes, poor Elio. Where do people ski around where you are? My geography knowledge isn’t that good, but I think of your general realm as being pretty mountain-free. Enjoy home while it lasts. Or probably lasted by now. ** _Black_Acrylic, Excellent, re: Blank’s impression upon thou. I hope you were sufficiently rested that your ‘pen’ met ‘paper’. I haven’t seen ‘The Girl with the Needle.’ I need to. I think you know Puce Mary did the score for Zac’s and my imminent new film, and she said working on that film was conventionally fun. ** James Bennett, Hi, James. Naturally, sir. Okay, your story sounds very promising and fascinating. And I can see why it might’ve been labor intensive. Excellent. Enjoy the last polishing. I really look forward to partaking. Have a fine midweek day. ** Steeqhen, Hi. Good, or better than the alternative: it having in fact been exhaustion. I used to be obsessed with the Oz books. I think I read every single one of them. And in fact I have a pop-up book edition of ‘The Wonderful Wizard of Oz’ right here on my desk (only because I can’t figure where else to put it). I think Bresson was a semi-lapsed Catholic. I might be misremembering that, but it would make sense. Your dissertation is exciting to hear about and such an honor, thank you, man. It sounds pretty sharp to me. No rush on the Who post, obviously, just whenever or if-ever t’would be swell. ** Steve, Sadly, to my mind at least, gay tentacle porn is pretty lame looking. UbuWeb was still there, but it was a dead duck. I’m very happy it’s back in action too. Amazing resource, and not only for the blog. The Bertolucci stuff I was thinking of was: Pierre Clementi’s character molesting the young boy and getting shot by him in ‘The Conformist’, Donald Sutherland’s character having sex with the young boy then killing him by swinging him around by his legs and smashing his head over and over against stone walls of his hut in ‘1900’, the fact that Maria Schneider’s character in ‘Last Tango’ was originally supposed to be a boy, the young boy in ‘Luna’ being picked up forcefully in the gay bar, and etc. Some pretty heavy, cramped authorial intent going on there. ** Chris Kelso, Hi, Chris. I thought so. Obviously. I wasn’t influenced by David Lynch, but I think he was an enormously important artist. I can’t think of another visionary, avant-garde American filmmaker whose work not only became widely popular but influenced so many younger artists. Yes, in the early 90s David Lynch offered to produce a film that would have made by his assistant and me, but the assistant and I did not see eye to eye, so it never happened very unfortunately. How are you intending to fund the film? That part of filmmaking is so fucking awful, or can be. It took us four years to raise the funds for ‘Room Temperature’, and it was a massive struggle. You stay as well and safe as well and safe can be too. ** HaRpEr, Yeah, when you say zap it’s almost like the word has a little electrical jolt. It’s nice. Agreed, of course, about repression’s value to art making. There must be thousands of examples. My favorite Bertoluccis are ‘The Conformist’ and ‘Luna’. I think all of his films up through ‘Luna’ are very worth seeing. Ha, interesting/funny about the Corn Flakes guy. Makes me want to buy a box. ** Charalampos, Hey. Yes, I know that Rivette film. I like it a lot. Ideally one never makes sense of romantic encounters. If they start to make sense, they aren’t working. Maybe. The blog has a secret text feature, but only I can use it. Kind of a fascist set up really. Warmest from not warm here. ** PL, Welcome back. Sounds lively. No, I’ve never been to Brazil. One of my brothers lived there for a while. The only countries in South America I’ve been to are Peru, Venezuela, and Chile. That is unexpected about the largest expat Japanese population. Do you know why? Or does anyone know why? No, I had no say in ‘The Sluts’ cover. Usually I get a say, but in that case they just published it and didn’t let me see it until it was already a book. I have no idea what the story is behind it. No, I don’t have any groupies as far as I know. I’m not so sharp at picking up on those kinds of signals though. When I was young and starting out I got hit on by a number of older gay writers, most of whom probably weren’t interested in my work at all, which was most unpleasant. Not recently, but I used to get these young writers who seemed to think they would have to put out for me to support their work, so there was flirting there, but I’ve never been an exploitative guy, and I just ignored the come-ons. But mostly I’m kind of clueless and don’t really notice if someone has groupie intentions with me. Enjoy the fruits of your lustful fans, I guess? I mean it’s better than being treated like you’re a possible predator? ** Justin D, Happy to trigger your latent Les Blank interest. ‘The Here After’, hm, interesting. Okay, I think I need to watch on that. It’s actually streaming on MUBI? Cool. MUBI can be such a tease with that ‘not currently streaming’ tag they put on so many of the films they act like they house. Thanks! Here’s the evolution of your day! ** Uday, I didn’t remember that you look like Jesus. That could come in handy. Except amongst the grudgeful. Kant, yikes, okay, got it. That kind of important. Physical mail is weird because I”m so completely out of the habit of writing letters and buying stamps and so on that when I get mail, I feel immediately guilty because I know I’ll never respond. But I do still appreciate the effort people put into writing to someone in an analog way. Get some sleep. I can’t survive without at least 7 1/2 hours of sleep a nights, so, yeah, sweet dreams. ** Okay. I have brought Helmut Berger back to blog life so he can glom onto you for 24 hours. See you tomorrow.