Welcome back to DC’s Writers Workshop. This is the sixteenth in a series of days on the blog where writers who are part of the blog’s community present work-in-progress in search of the opinions, responses, advice, and critiques of both readers who don’t normally post comments here and local inhabitants of this place. I ask everyone to please read these works with the same attention you give the normal brand of posts here and respond in some way in the comments section below. Obviously, the closer your attention and the more you’re able and willing to say to the writer the better. But any kind of related comment is welcome, even a simple sentence or two indicating you read the piece of writing and felt something or other about it would be helpful. The only guideline I’m going to give out regarding comments is that any response, whether lengthy or brief, praise filled or critical or anywhere inbetween, should be presented in a spirit of helping the writer in question. I’ll be responding to the work too in the Comments section towards the end of the weekend. So, I guess all of that is probably clear. Giving support to the artists of different kinds who read and post on the blog has always been a very important aspect of this project, and this workshop series represents an opportunity to make that aspect more formal and explicit. This weekend’s workshop features an excerpt from a novel-in-progress work by the writer and d.l. Rewritedept aka Chris Gugino. He asks for any thoughts, support, or criticism you can give him. I thank him greatly for entrusting his work to us, and I thank you all in advance for your kind participation. — D.C.
*
hey everyone. thanks for reading this introductory sample of my as-yet-untitled novel-in-progress. if you wish to offer notes, i would love to read them. you can comment here or, should you so desire, email me at rewritedept @yahoo.X. make sure you remove the spaces and replace the X with com. be brutally honest, unflinching and unforgiving. tell me all the shit you hated. you can tell me the stuff you liked too. as noted, this is still untitled, so if you want to offer suggestions for titles, i’ll check ’em out. thanks again, and i hope you love it! — CG aka Rewritedept
excerpt
by Chris Cugino
he’s the perfect mark: plastic-framed cat’s eye glasses; hair that, while not a bowlcut, obviously was at some point, though now it’s overgrown and in need of a trim; looks like maybe his mom dresses him, still, which at this age is seriously pathetic.
what do i know, though? maybe his mom’s dead and he has no clue what a dork he looks.
i figure i can probably make him for a fifty dollar blow job, enough for a couple bags and maybe some food. wonder if he’ll let me fix at his place.
—
we get to his apartment, and it’s about what i’d expected. cheap target furniture, sparse and neat. he says he has something he wants to show me.
first, hands me a shoebox of photos. some polaroids, a bunch of old 4×6 prints, a couple school portraits. says he’ll be back but to busy myself looking through those. asks if i want a drink while i wait.
‘beer, if you have any.’
off to the kitchen he goes while i start flipping through the photos. photos are about what i’d expected, too:
him fishing with what i’m assuming is his father, although they look nothing alike, squinting into the sun and holding a fish that’s easily half as long as he is tall.
standing outside some amusement park with his mother (you can spot the resemblance this time, though she’s not nearly as needy and sad looking as he).
school portraits: 2nd grade, 5th grade, middle school.
about a quarter of the way into the box, things take a turn.
some dismally furnished living room: wood paneling on the walls, fake tartan couch, coffee table that looks too heavy to move more than once with probably the ugliest lamp i’ve ever seen on top of it.
he’s sitting on the couch, sipping a beer. maybe eleven, twelve. wearing cutoffs and a plaid shirt that clashes so badly with the tartan of the couch that i’m relieved when, four pictures in, he removes it.
it’s around this time that he finally reenters the room and hands me a beer. domestic, the cheap fuck.
‘oh, this wasn’t even my first shoot. i wonder who got these out of order…’ he says, semi-mysteriously. but before i can respond, he’s off again, this time in the direction of the bedroom.
he’s got the same glasses, or at least the same style, as he’s wearing now. the same style he was wearing when i cruised him.
in the next three photos, he strikes some poses that are too goofy and sad to really count as sexy, is then joined by a man on the couch. the man looks to be about forty, though i can never tell once they’re over a certain age, as all i ever look for are the signs of money and that desperate, clingy neediness that i know mean he’ll let me spend the night, hit him up for a couple hundred in the morning on the threat of turning him in to the cops and ruining his life. because of my age, i never actually go into any of the bars i work, unless —–(redacted)’s working the door. he’ll let me in if i sit over by the jukebox and don’t make my nod too obvious. generally by that point, i’m starting to come down anyway, so my thoughts are only on choosing the right target to make sure i can fill my needs for the night. sometimes, if i pick the right guy, i can take care of my habit for a few days. one guy even let me crash with him for almost a whole week, but i left when the things he wanted got too weird, even for me.
anyway, the older guy comes into frame. makes the boy finish his beer before handing him another one. starts to kiss him somewhere around ten photos in. starts to work a hand down his shorts in the next photo.
photo twenty (i think, i’ve pretty much lost count by this point): the boy’s shorts are off (have been off for maybe the last seven pictures, now that i think about it) and the man, now standing, is pressing the boy’s face against the crotch of his jeans, which the boy appears to be sniffing with wild abandon, whatever the fuck that means.
next photo: the boy is fishing the man’s cock out of his now unzipped jeans. the dick looks too large, in the boy’s hands and next to his face.
next four photos, in quick succession: the man has a hardon. the boy takes it into his mouth. two shots of the boy sucking, one where he’s just at the tip; the next, he’s deepthroating it, his nose buried in the man’s pubes, his eyes wide.
it’s at this point that the boy, now a man himself, reenters the room, this time with an unlabeled VHS tape which he feeds into the VCR while turning on the tv, which is already set to the correct channel.
‘i still have these on, oh, five or six 8mm loops, but the expense and hassle of hauling a projector around every time i move got to be too much to deal with, not to mention all the work of setting up a screen and projector every time i wanted to show someone my youthful, erm, accomplishments. so i had an editor friend of mine transfer everything over to video about a year ago.’
the first one starts: he’s a little younger than in the pictures, walking into a field with two boys, one a little older than me and the other maybe twelve, thirteen.
jump cut: the oldest boy lays out a picnic blanket, which the younger two clamber on to. the two older boys surround the youngest boy. one begins tickling him, the oldest one, while the middle boy kisses him and begins tonguing hungrily at his open mouth. even at the distance and angle the camera is, you can tell the youngest boy, my date for the evening, has little or no experience with tongue kissing. he just kind of holds his mouth open and lets the older boy fumble around and dart his tongue in and out.
it’s around when the oldest boy starts to undress my date that he opens a box on the table (the real one, not the one on the tv). inside are a couple largeish bags of what has to be extremely high quality h, since it’s powder and not the tar i usually fuck with. also, a couple spoons (one is large, bent and charred; the other is small, obviously only useful for snorting drugs) and some syringes and needles. thankfully the syringes and needles are still wrapped, so they’re sterile.
‘wanna fix before we get started?’
‘are you going to?’
‘oh no, i don’t do this shit. can’t really stand it, to be honest. but i can smell a user from a mile off, so if you want to take a little to ease yr worries, make the whole thing more enjoyable, i understand.’
that’s all the permission i need, so i grab one of the bags and the smaller spoon and take a quick sniff, just to test potency. i’ll shoot some later if it feels right, but a couple small snorts should be enough to get me in the mood for whatever’s coming next.
—
it’s amazing how little i have to do to show a guy i’m interested. from my perch by the jukebox, i give him a look: half-hungry, half-sad.
a look that says ‘take me home and make me feel better and maybe i’ll let you do something interesting with–or to–me.’
usually it takes a couple glances to get a guy to come pay attention. not this guy, though. he’s up after just one look, walking across the room. i can almost hear the ice cubes in his drink rattling in their glass.
he gets to me, holds out a hand. ‘sam. and you are…?’
‘fucking parched,’ i say, before grabbing his drink, finishing it in one gulp and setting the empty glass back in his empty hand. i’ve learned from practice how to drink quickly enough that the bartender (this real asshole who i’m sure wants to fuck me but can’t get over the mildly pedophilic implications of actually going through with it, and so instead acts like he despises me and any of the guys i leave this shithole with) won’t catch me and toss me out, something he’s done a couple times.
for some reason he never complains when —–(redacted, again) lets me in again, though.
sam’s drinking something faggy and sweet, a washington apple or something like that. i tell him to go grab a beer this time. i love playing rough trade to these simpering mama’s boys who, for some fucked reason i can never figure out, always seem to be so interested in me.
i watch him as he walks away, and i swear there’s an extra swing in his step that wasn’t there when he approached. old fruit’s trying to make me check out his ass, like maybe that’ll make me ignore the slight potbelly or his terrible fucking haircut.
not that he’s old, per se, maybe late twenties, early thirties. definitely the youngest guy i’ve considered fucking in a while. what can i say? he has that well-kempt but sad look that makes me know he’s got money to blow, so long as i blow the right notes with him.
he’s probably a computer programmer or something boring like that. fuck, i hope he doesn’t want to talk about his job. i don’t know that i’m up to faking interest in programmer speak tonight. had to do it with an old regular of mine and it took all of my restraint not to brain the boring fucker with the whiskey bottle that always sat between us on the couch before we headed back to his room.
five minutes later, he returns with the beer, mentions something about how the bartender doesn’t seem too fond of me.
‘fuck that guy, he’s a fucking perv anyway. let’s get the fuck out of here.’ and with that, we take off into the night, me with the beer hidden under his coat.
—
by my third spoonful of the surprisingly potent heroin, sam’s got his tongue in my mouth and is trying to get my shirt off.
i decide to lay back and let him steer for a minute, hoping maybe that will keep him from wanting to talk about:
-his job.
-his mom, who i’m positive, by now, is totally dead.
-all these older guys who’ve fucked him and fucked him around and maybe contributed to making him the total weirdo i am starting to become aware of him being.
either way, the h is taking me to a point beyond giving a fuck, where i’m content to let him take my shirt off, lick my nipples, make some remark about how skinny i am.
it’s as he’s loosening my belt that i start to notice something’s wrong. i totally underestimated the strength of the h, and now feel like i’m going to be sick. probably my fault for mixing booze before i started into it.
‘fuck, i’m going to puke. get up! where’s the fucking bathroom?’
‘do it in my mouth; i like it.’
‘fuck you. where’s the fucking toilet?’
reluctantly, he lets me up, points to a darkened doorway at the far end of his open bedroom, in which i can see, faintly, the outline of a toilet next to a bathtub.
i take off, knowing from experience not to run, as it will make me throw up on the floor. i don’t want to give this guy the satisfaction of watching me throw up, especially since he ‘likes it.’
ugh. i’m shuddering just remembering him saying that.
make it to the bathroom, throw the door closed behind me and start vomiting. as i finish, i’m overcome with a deep feeling of hatred toward sam which i do my best to ignore, bury deep, so i can go back out and pretend to be into him some more.
—
‘what do you want to do tonight?’
we’re at sam’s. he’s been gone for about a week.
‘i don’t know, peter. what do you want to do tonight?’
we probably shouldn’t be here, but sam gave me a spare key after our fourth date.
‘i hate it when you do that.’
when he gave me his key, i thought it was because he loved me, as in, he cared about me.
‘do what?’
i figured out pretty quickly that it was more love like control than love like care.
‘when you take a question i asked you and ask me the same question. just say you don’t know. don’t make me feel like an asshole.’
‘sorry. i don’t know what i want to do tonight.’
‘do we have enough to order a pizza?’
‘i guess so.’ sam did leave us with a little spending cash before he left, and i know where he keeps his ATM card. can’t be too hard to figure out his PIN; he’s probably not stupid enough to use his own birthday, so i’ll bet it’s mommy-dearest’s.
‘oh! i know what we can do. let’s fuck the delivery guy from pizza bandit.’
‘…uh?’
‘you know, the one who went all cartoon-wolf-eyes when you took the pizza from him in yr shorts that one time. what’s his name? george?’
‘yeah. him. really? that’s what you want to do with a friday night?’ peter has this thing about watching me fuck strange guys, and this guy george is definitely strange. not just strange like ‘wants to fuck an adolescent boy or two,’ but genuinely strange. like, ‘probably has a body buried in his crawlspace’ strange.
but, whatever. i’m sure he won’t turn us down.
—
we met at a party. it was one of those church functions where some deacon or bishop, together with his once-hot wife and their five or more jügend, invites the members of the youth group and their parents over to his too-large house to swim in the pool, eat overcooked hot dogs and sing in a circle with youth pastor dave or phil or whoever. one of those things my mom insisted on dragging me to despite the fact that i’d never once shown an interest in the church youth group and was openly despised by some of its more prominent members.
he was the only other kid there who wasn’t partaking of the respite the pool offered from the summer heat, reclining in the shade of a large pine tree in a corner of the yard that, though not geometrically farthest from the house and the pool, was certainly the most isolated. he wore jeans and a too-large dress shirt, unbuttoned over a pavement t-shirt, and was reading what appeared from my position by the back gate (where i was attempting to sneak a couple rips off my pipe to make the socialization a little easier, or at least less tedious) to be a well-thumbed copy of ‘naked lunch.’
jesus, i remember thinking: this kid’s in, maybe, the fifth grade and he’s probably already cooler than i’ll ever be in my life.
i walked over and introduced myself by offering a hit off the flask i’d had an older friend steal for me and filled with whisky pilfered from my uncle’s liquor cabinet.
‘thanks. god, i hate these things. i’ve seen you around before. bobby, right?’
‘yeah. i’ve seen you too. yr dad’s a mechanic, right?’
‘yeah, when he isn’t drunk enough to beat the shit out of my mom or too drunk to get off the couch.’
‘um…’
‘don’t worry; i fucking hate the guy, but i’m not fishing for sympathy. name’s peter, by the way. and is that weed i smell on you?’
*
p.s. Hey. Well, I kind of laid out everything to do with the workshop above, so I’ll just add or reiterate, I guess, that I hope you guys, both d.l.s and normally silent readers, will consider saying something to Chris/Rewritedept about his work-in-progress this weekend. Anything, even a simple acknowledgement that you took the time to read his work, would mean a lot to him, and to the blog, and to me. All right, thank you! ** Thomas Moronic, Hi, T. My enormous pleasure, of course! ** Cobaltfram, Hey, John. Monday might be better for me than Wednesday. What’s your schedule, etc.? Long emails, what are those, ha ha? I think in the case of the request/threat about the ‘libelous’ stuff in the post, it was to help the subject matter, a once big porn star turned escort, continue to escort successfully without potential clients saying, But what about that less than appetizing stuff I read about you somewhere online? I read about that Dustin/’The Real World’ thing, but I think I stopped watching that show after, like, the second season. Bon weekend! ** Nicki, Hi. Perhaps. In any case, there won’t be any human genitalia to potentially get you in trouble. I don’t post as crazily, in the sex/porn realm here, as I used to years ago. Crazily in every other respect perhaps, but I’ve (temporarily?) lost interest in covering the foibles of Eastern European porn stars and all that sort of stuff, except for in the middle and last of the month. But, hey, I could go wild about that sort of thing again. You never know with me. I’ll read Michelle Pace’s piece this weekend, Thank you! Everyone, d.l. Nicki highly recommends something, and here she is via the magic of copy and paste to tell you herself, i.e. ‘I just wanted to share a link to a really important and well-written piece that a dear friend and colleague of mine, Michelle Pace, has written in The Conversation. Michelle’s a highly respected and well-known scholar of the Middle East and she’s spent many years speaking to individuals and communities in both Israel and Palestine, so she’s coming from that context with this piece.’ ** Steevee, Very nice interview with Mr. Linklater. Props. What a shame about that inadequate budget. Those sorts of posts were dying down in my feed too until yesterday. Now their post-ers have decided that they have the justification to continue at an even more abrasive pitch. ** Kier, Yeah, keester, ha ha. What a weird word for an ass. I’ve seen some very inexplicable terms for an ass in my life, but that one really doesn’t bear any resemblance to the thing it defines. I would do the donuts/coffee/’TP’ thing with you in the middle of the hell of summer, which, given my utter antipathy-meets-hatred of hot weather, says something. Exactly: the thing is often the mulch for the thing. Or something. That made sense right before I typed it. Indian food, slurp. I have brother who annoys me 24/7 to the point of no return. Hugs. My Friday was good. I gave Zac his b’day presents. He seemed to really like them. Then we had a big catch up meeting on all the film stuff we need to figure out, and we started figuring it. And we hung out. That’s the best. And then I actually wrote a few emails and did some diddly — but better than nothing — work on my novel. So yesterday wasn’t too shabby. What’s going on with your weekend? Are your arms back to being normal enough things to let you do most of what you wish? ** Sypha, Hi, man. ** Damien Ark, Hi, Damien! Iowa, interesting. Well, it’ll be good to be in a new locale then, won’t it? I’m sorry to hear about the oxy relapse. I’ve had friends go through that very thing, and it’s tough. But don’t let it speak to you persuasively. Remember how it’s interfering with you. Because, man, you really shouldn’t even think for a second about giving up writing. You’re really, really talented, and that’s a rare thing, and I can say as a writer myself that, if your love writing persists, having a life as a writer is a great thing, a gift in many, many ways. Especially if you’re at all ‘weird’, an outsider, a thinker and dreamer of things that most people do not understand, like I am, and like maybe you are too. Seriously, don’t let what you’re going right now pollute your belief in your writing, and, more than that, your love of writing. A love of writing is the key, the most important and only thing that keeps a writer being a writer, and, as I said, I really recommend having that talent and receptacle and way to communicate with the world in your life. I really can’t even imagine who or what I would have been without my writing. It’s a very scary thing to think about. Take good care, man. ** David Ehrenstein, A classicist about tats, that’s nice. I like that. I remember reading about Roberto Pompa in ‘Early Plastic’. That’s very sad to hear. My condolences, David. ** _Black_Acrylic, Excellent! Art101 progress at long last! That headline would suck me in like a maw. Cool. ** Kiddiepunk, Oh, wow, well, come on, what a gift to the blog, dude. And you did such perfect work on it. And I want one of your ltd. ed. zines. And, yes, we will see each very soon, no doubt about that. ** Chilly Jay Chill, Hi, Jeff. Thank you, thank you for the Merge fest recap. That was really, really fun to read. That is a surprise (to me) about Imperial Teen. I’ve never seen them live, but I’ve never felt more than so-so about their recorded output. Okay, I think I’ll def. see Superchunk if they get over here. ‘Almost as hyper’ is good enough for me. That’s really exciting about the Destroyer set. It sounds like he really went for it live. Every time I’ve seen him live, he has just kind of beefed up and simplified his stuff for the live context with a rock band backup, and it’s never been the sublime thing I’ve hoped for. But that’s sounds incredible. Wow. Thank you! How was your reading in … Baltimore, wasn’t it? My favorite Echo & the Bunnymen album. ‘Heaven Up Here’. That’s one of my all-time favorite albums. I love their first three albums. I like ‘Ocean Rain’, but I definitely don’t think its their masterpiece, as seems to be the general consensus. After that, it gets spottier. But the first three albums are incredible, I think. ** Aaron Mirkin, Hi, Aaron. Me too, about the can’t wait/edited thing. Yes, I would say it’s coming together even more beautifully than we had hoped. I mean, I guess we won’t really know until Zac starts editing it ‘cos that’s where it’s going to become what it will be since Zac’s work/genius is heavily involved in editing. But we’re very happy. Issues? Nothing substantial. I think probably just the usual issues that arise when trying to make a poetic/experimental film with a very low budget. We’ve had to shift gears and rewrite and reimagine things a lot, sometimes on set and in the moment, but that’s been nothing but exciting, really, and the changes always seem like improvements. Thank you for asking about that. How are you doing? How are you feeling? What work and what stage are you at in it right now? Cool that you met the great, so very great Derek McCormack! One of the language gods, in my opinion. That’s so great! Have a fine weekend. ** Misanthrope, Oh, wow, no, I was just being random and goofy. I’m definitely not following you, I don’t know about anybody else. I mean, not in person. Not from the shadows. Not from where you least expect it. Gosh, I don’t know. I feel like I’m both right and wrong simultaneously all the time. You have a b’day coming up! You want a b’day post? I’ll make you any post you want for your birthday within the realms of what the blog considers common decency. Name it. Seriously. That an interesting and complex paragraph, sir. I’m still rereading it in wonder and slight confusion, but let me take a flying leap and say, uh, yes, that’s one’s prerogative? What is this strangeness around you? You can’t say or even hint? Jello couldn’t possibly live up to how incredible it looks and feels to the touch and so on, but I like it. Sometimes. With whipped cream especially. Ooh. ** Rewritedept, It’s the man of the weekend! Thank you again for putting your work in this place’s light. I hope it goes really, really well. It can. It has. It should. Up to the fine folks around here, obviously. Favorite Brad Pitt movie, huh … Shit, I’m going to have to go check IMDb to remember what he’s in. Hold on. Oh, well, for me, ‘Tree of Life’, hands down. After that, uh, hm … I liked ‘Twelve Monkeys’. I’d like to see it again to make sure. My Friday was a very good one. Told Kier about it up there somewhere. No, I haven’t seen a show in ages. It sucks. Will remedy that. Have a really good weekend! I’ll see you in the comments section at the end of the weekend, my time. ** Right. Please do lend your considerable powers of reading, thinking, and typing to Rewritedept/Chris’s fiction piece this weekend. Thank you very much! See you, or, rather, him, in the comments late on Sunday, and I’ll see you back here from my usual berth on Monday.
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On a first read there's a tone of casually observed squalor that's quite striking. More later.
Hey D,
Monday works. I'm free all day after, maybe, 9 am my time, so 4 pm yours? I think? I'll get to my computer and see what's up. Maybe shoot me an email with what works for you?
My long email was just gross writing business stuff. Your allegedly libelous email sounds fun though. I love how's there's an entire industry devoted to scrubbing unwanted material from the internet for rising starlets, politicians, musicians and, now, escorts. I wonder what they charge.
J
Latest FaBlog: Beefsteak Tartare
rewritedept – Hey Chris – just a quick note to say that I really enjoyed this. Gonna have a think and then post you some more constructive comments tomorrow. Cheers!
rewritedept, thanks for sharing. I really enjoyed your story, and was kind of sad when the excerpt came to an end, as I wanted more! I like how the narrator has a sense of humor, and that though the subject matter is a little dark, it never descends into humorless grit. I suppose my only real question about it is why everything is lowercased, and wondering what the rational is for that stylistic touch. In any event, it certainly has me intrigued to see where it's going. Maybe you could call it "Jugend!"
david e-
'casually observed squalor…' love it!! thanks for reading!
TM-
thank you! it means a whole lot when folks whose work i admire say nice things about stuff i've done, so i really appreciate it. looking forward to yr expanded notes!
sypha-
glad you liked it! yes, it has sort of a gallows humor to it. re: everything being lowercase. i'm just lazy when i write so i don't capitalize things. i am debating the virtues of leaving it like that or correcting all the capitalization when i edit it. what do you think?
-c.
@ rewritedept, I think the lowercase thing really works, like maybe the whole thing's being played out on social media. Which it kind of is anyway on this blog, but it does give it an added dimension, in my view. I also enjoyed the story, and especially the humour embedded within.
Bill remembers Pompa
@rewritedept, thank you for sharing very cool and brand new writing. i scheduler-marked this day as i feel that the work shop day means a lot to any aspiring writer, which includes me only in a very gradual and sparse way. your writing is very cool. mundane tone and observations devoid of overtly conceptual inflictor and elaboration feels like a novelty. objects that you are phrasing also keep the limitation of casualness. that I feel that makes your somewhat realistic subjects (even realistic humor) dream like tropes. i like it. narrative wise, no comment from me, because i have none. your tone and prose are always unconventionally humble and very cool.
@dennis, some of academics give me panic attacks even when they are well intended and tactful. i don't know. it's probably because I'm in a field of heavily theory oriented field. It's all abstract, so supposed to be reasoning and distancing, but it reached the level of intimidating fetish of details of their thoughts and alliance and antagonism. Why everything can't be just studying and writing.
**Sorry, for redundancy of field. Apologies.
The Israel-Gaza "debate" seems to have moved to Twitter, at least for my news feed. Except that no one is actually debating, just posting links to articles that they agree with.
I have a question for my review of the documentary FINDING FELA. How popular was Fela in the U.S. in his heyday in the '70s and '80s? Paul McCartney is interviewed in the film – they met while he recorded BAND ON THE RUN in Nigeria – and Alex Gibney told me that James Brown and Stevie Wonder met him, but his music is a lot less accessible than Bob Marley, to whom he always gets compared.
rewritedept – Hey Chris. So let me just first start off by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed reading this excerpt.
I think one of my favourite things about the piece is the way that you manage to work the humour into the text without it being to heavy and out of place; it blends well and helps move other stuff along – gives it this interesting and kinda strange momentum, which I like.
I also think that the voice you’ve worked out for the narrator is really strong and definitely feels like you’ve got a pretty good hold on that, which is a good sign for the rest of the novel.
There are some cool images that you’re working with as well. It kind of starts to feel like this very hermetic – in a good way – atmosphere that’s almost claustrophobic, which is really cool and fun to get sucked into as a reader.
I think for me where I would make some suggestions – oh yeah and I should say right now that because I’m currently a year into the novel that I’m working on, my editing choices and objectivity may be way off, so take what I say with a pinch of salt (!) – would be in the last part about the stuff about how the narrator met his friend Peter. From my point of the view I think this is the only part of the piece where the hermetic and sealed off world seems to come loose slightly, I think because up to this point because the atmosphere is so good, and so of itself it slightly looses some of that compressed and tense air, you know? It feels to me, like the reader doesn’t particularly need that information and background for the characters – like it’s almost out of place to try and fit that stuff in when the mood of the characters and tone has already been set by the atmosphere that you’ve created. So in other words – the writing is strong enough to not have to explain that stuff, give the characters clear backgrounds and histories and almost reasons for them becoming the people they are, you know? The writing is so great up until then that I was already left with a sense of the sorts of the things that they would have gone through growing up, without it being spelt out to me – and that’s one of the really strong things about the piece already – how the atmosphere and mood colours in so much of the imagination without things having to be so clear and explained. I hope that makes sense – and yeah, like I say, that’s the only the thing that jumped out at me while reading, whether it’s helpful or not. So yeah, in short – maybe I’d rethink the final section and whether it’s needed as much.
But yeah, this is really cool, Chris. Consider me a fan and I’ll be excited to see where it all goes! Make sure you keep us up to speed, if that’s ok. I love the feel and the flow of this stuff. Congratulations! This is ace.
hi chris, thanks so much for sharing your work with us! i liked it a lot, your characters are very interesting. sorry i don't do the critique thing, i'm not very good with words, unlike you. good luck with the novel!
hi dennis, that sucks that your brother annoys you so much. i usually like mine, he has asperger's syndrome though, so sometimes it takes a little extra patience. my arms are feeling just fine, so i can anything i need to, they just don't look so good. good thing i'm not so bothered by wounds and scars and stuff like that. yesterday i was in the city centre and went to a flea market, there was a guy in a nazi t-shirt selling nazi memorabilia. i did some collages that i'm very pleased with last night, and i scanned them. today i saw my dad and got a photo of mine printed in A2 (he has a huge printer), which is pretty big and pretty cool. he played me the new morrissey which i thought was just okay. i played him some iceage which he really liked. tomorrow i have to pack. how was your weekend? hope it was the bee's knees.
D.,
Slaves/Escorts are the only way. I think all the gays have died out here.
Bravo Chris. Wonderfully banal and prosaic. There seems to be a hole in the middle of the writing. The voice/tone is very effective. Great job, man!
Thomas,
Loved Skeleton Costumes! Tight work. Thanks!
ben-
thank you! i hadn't really considered the all-lowercase thing as a matter of aesthetics, but it does help to view it that way. could be used as a stylistic decision to help establish the tone and stuff. really glad you liked it!
hyemin kim-
thanks for reading! glad you dug it! i think i see what you mean about the casual-ness of the narration as helping to realize the characters in a more concrete fashion.
steevee-
off subject, but i think most americans have no idea who fela is. it seems to me like his reach didn't expand too far beyond a small cognoscenti of artists and musicians with the time/money to look at international musics. didn't a good chunk of his stuff not see domestic release until fairly recently?
TM-
thank you, again, for reading and enjoying! it means a lot.
you and michael haveboth commented favorably on the voicing, which is really cool because that's the part that feels like it's taken the least amount of work to develop. though he's not based on myself in any capacity, i did basically just use my narrative voice to fuel everything. it's supposed to be sorta like how i was at that age, ie. smart, a little jaded without coming off as a know-it-all inasmuch as just a teenager who thinks maybe he's seen everything.
re: the background stuff. you read my mind, dude! since this is my first major foray into fiction, i'm writing a lot of things out more as experiments for my own edification than anything else. a significant portion of that background-y stuff isn't going to make it to thw final draft, beyond just a basic establishing of their (ie. bobby and peter's) relationship. peter's fucked up home life does play a role in all this, but yeah, a lot of that stuff is being instered at this point more as a device for my own use to establish some points that i might otherwise forget.
thanks so much for reading and taking the time to offer some really helpful notes! i appreciate it a whole lot!
kier-
hey man. thanks for reading it! glad you dug it!
keaton-
thank you! yeah, there's sort of a 'i've seen all this shit before so it's nothing new to me' feel to the narrative voice.
everyone-
thanks for spending some time with my intro.
Chris/Rewritedept,
Hi. I like the tone. Its flatness is carried off pretty consistently at a pitch that does a good job of turning the seeming dislikability of the narrator into something that feels like it’s holding something that’s sort of essential and contradictory about him back. It’s hard to tell what it is in the excerpt, which is not a problem. You control and maintain the tone very well, and the speedy tempo of the writing is strong and effective. When you make a surprising observation or use an unexpected turn of phrase, there’s a nice rupture. I think those kinds of surprises could happen more often, which I think it might be a matter of trimming the prose back a bit in places where it can feel like you’re saying things because you think the readers need to know them more than because you’re excited by saying them. But keep in mind that I work with the kind of material you’re working with in my own writing quite a bit, and I’m interested in what a flat delivery can do and can’t do too, so I have my own take on the best ways to communicate when trying to negotiate between my interests and an imaginary, presumed idea of what a reader without such a strong interest is willing to deal with re: that kind of material.
For me, less spelling out tends to be a more successful triggering device, so my main advice to you is going to be in the area of editing things back and differently to try to make the piece feel more mysterious and, at the same time, seem more essential and a product of necessity. So, my ideas might well be colored by my familiarity with what I think you might be trying to do, and I could be wrong, and the advice could be off.
For instance, in the first section, I would cut the whole last little paragraph: “i figure i can probably make him for a fifty dollar blow job, enough for a couple bags and maybe some food. wonder if he'll let me fix at his place.” That just seems like a set-up, and there’s nothing needed or particularly unusual in it, to me.
Second section: I like the looking through the photos thing and the interruption by the man himself. It works well. I think it could be edited. Like at the beginning, you say the first photos are about what you expected. I think the reader will think so too given the expectedness of your descriptions of the photos. I think I would skip describing them or spend more time figuring out stranger photos, photos odd enough to create tension between their unexpectedness and why your narrator thinks they’re predictable. For me, as it is, the early photos are just kind of a blank.
(cont.)
The ‘turn’ in the photos is good. They become more stressful and scary to think about. They begin to make the man seem more specific and interesting. When you interrupt describing the photos to digress into your own story, beginning with “as all i ever look for is …”, I think, again, it just feels like a set up, like you’re clearly trying to tell the reader something, and what you say about how you work that bar, etc., doesn’t really say anything fresh or unusual about your narrator. He’s just telling kind of the same story you read in every story about a hustler. And I think interrupting the photos for that just ends up loosening the reader’s attention on something that it would be good to keep him/her focused on. The digression kind of lets the tension out for no reason that really needs to be there.
What happens with the man in the photos is inherently disturbing, but what actually happens in the photos (a blow job) isn’t very unusual in and of itself or revealing of anything. Those photos are an opportunity to make the character of the man richer, to make him more sympathetic, or less, or at least more individual and interesting. Or it’s an opportunity for the narrator’s flat tone to get fucked up a bit and reveal something about him. Or it’s an opportunity for you to make clear how incredibly thick and impenetrable his jadedness is. Again, I’ve worked with that kind set-up myself, as you probably know, and so I see it as something that offers you the writer and, via you, the reader an opportunity to feel a lot or learn a lot or feel distinctly how he/she isn’t feeling enough or learning anything, if that makes sense. I would rewrite those photos and the narrator’s reaction to make both more weird and tense. And kind of the same with the video footage that follows. What does the activity happening in the photos and video tell your narrator, and us, readers, about the man? Because he showed them to your narrator for a reason, obviously. Or what does it mean that your narrator doesn’t give a shit about what the photos and video mean about the man or give a shit that he doesn’t give a shit. If you understand what I’m trying to say. I think something more needs to be happening there if you want that section to be as powerful as I think you maybe do.
In the next section, again, I would trim the scene back and try to make the man seem more … I don’t know, sad, scary, mean, intelligent, not very intelligent, … I don’t know. I like that you go back and show how you met the man, and I think it’s important to see that happen and to see you in your element in the bar, but I think there needs to be more, and you’re certainly a good enough writer to bring in more detail and, for instance, let the man make more of an initial impression than just that he drinks a sweet alcoholic drink and has a pot belly and is dressed in a well-kempt way. As is, other than him being a little younger than usual, he could be any stereotypical man who frequents hustler bars. I don’t know if you’re interested in putting in the work, but that scene could be much more. More of your narrator’s thoughts and guesses, more of his behavior, more about the setting, more of what your narrator is trying so successfully not to feel.
I think the next section is pretty strong and well done, kudos.
(cont.)
The introduction of Peter via the conversation is pretty good. The dialogue is mostly tight and good. For me, there was a bit of problem where the narrator says the man’s love is more about control than caring — I like very much that the narrator says that by the way — because he then proceeds to have the apartment keys, access to guy’s ATM card, etc., all over which does not make the man seem very controlling.
It’s always weird and confusing to get contradictory advice, but I personally think the last section where you introduce how you met Peter is probably the strongest section for me. I think the writing there is the best of your writing in all the sections, and it feels the most original, and your narrator seems to care about what he’s saying and mean it all the time. Plus, Peter seems like a very interesting character. I definitely was interested to know more about him and see him in action, and to find out what his effect and influence on the narrator is, because he seems important.
I hope my critique isn’t too much. It probably is, but you’re working with material and even, in a way, with a style choice that I can be inside very easily, or I feel like I can. I think the excerpt is strong and has a lot of possibilities, and while I do think sections of it need some rewriting, I think there’s a lot there, a lot to work with that could end up being very powerful and quite moving and fascinating if you feel like toying with it some more.
Thanks for letting me read it, Chris. I hope I’ve written something useful or helpful in some way.
Dennis
@Rewritedept–The Fela catalogue was issued on CD by Universal about 10 years ago, then it quickly went out of print. All 26 CDs were then reissued again by the Knitting Factory label a few years ago. I think there was a surge of American interest when the CDs initially came out and then another one when the Broadway play FELA! was produced (roughly coinciding the second issue of the CDs), but I get the feeling only people with some interest in African music know who he is. I don't think he ever really had the support of a label who backed him like Island did with Marley.
d-
no, thank you for reading it and letting me share it here.
i suppose i could have been more clear re: the background stuff. the things that work as background to establish bobby's fucked-up-ness are mostly going to be excised, but the stuff about him and peter is mostly going to stay. ie. those background things that establish their bond and the building of their relationship, which is very close. they're very much in love woth each other and those little flashbacks and vignettes will work, hopefully, to establish how peter is the only character in the book that bobby feels any warmth for over any extended period of time.
i will definitely take yr notes to heart about things that can be expanded upon. the first bit, with sam showing the videos and pictures to bobby is meant to establish his (sam's) relative inexperience with teenage hustlers, ie. he thinks he needs to show bobby porn to get him comfortable with the idea of having sex with an older man, even though it's fairly well established that bobby has experience with it, which explains his jadedness w/r/t seeing the porn.
i am definitely going for that sort of hermetically sealed feel that thomas brought up. a work whose main points of reference are contained within itself moreso than points of reference grounded in the 'real world.'
thanks again, so much for reading closely and letting me post it here. you're the best!
-c.
steevee-
that's pretty much what i thought too. his work's pretty unknown unless one spends a lot of time seeking out international music. great stuff, though. fela's one of my favorite musical revolutionaries.
Chris/Rewritedept, very good job on this piece, I wish it was a longer excerpt as I want to keep reading. You have a strong voice for this narrator and I find the blasé intriguing. I liked the way you play with time, jumping from the apartment back to the bar, it adds a layer of narrative confusion that keeps me on my toes. It kind of echoes the photos and videos, with the narrator looking into Sam's past. Maybe there is some way to play with this more? I agree with a lot of what Dennis said, and he's articulated it better than I could have. Thank you for sharing this work, and I look forward to reading more of it someday.
Dennis, I'm glad everything with the film is going well and that you are so involved. It's great to have another person there to help troubleshoot ideas when they need to be changed on the fly.
As for me, I'm doing OK. Still trying to figure out all this stuff with my ex. I've been working on a letter to give him, or maybe read to him. I've done it in the past with him, and it works as a way of putting all of my thoughts in order and express my feelings (in the limited way language allows). I guess part of me hopes that if I can express how much I love him, then maybe it'll spark something in him. But the logical part of me knows that probably isn't true. Love gives me this power, this energy, I want to spend on him. But I feel powerless because I can't… I don't know if at this point in his life he is ready to love, or to be loved, I don't think that he is happy. But I think that he tries very hard to avoid dealing with that happiness, and conflates momentary pleasure with being happy. He conflates a lot of emotions/feelings. Ugh.
As for work, I'm doing some post-sound things right now. Just shorts. Did not get money for 2 music videos I was trying to make, so I'm trying to find alternate funding for them, or figure out how to do them with no money. I'm also working on an idea for another music video with the band Fresh Snow and I'm going to pitch a kind of big video to a label for the band Fucked Up, which would be about wrestling. Crazy House is definitely the next big thing on my horizon, sent LC notes yesterday for a new revision.
And yeah, Derek McCormack is great. I hope I get the chance to spend some real time with him.
rewritedept, oh, I had no issue with the all lowercase spelling, I was just curious as to why that was so. I didn't find it distracting or anything (heck, after getting used to the stylistic quirks of people like Burroughs or Joyce, it takes something really bizarre to distract me these days).
@rewritedept, sorry that i missed one thing, earlier. re lowercased writing, i would not go with that seriously as a stylistic choice of writing as a whole thing of this fiction if you want to put it out as a sellable book, unless you would make your writing really tight bouquet of inventive words, speedily playing with multiple languages with a lot of research on that or the extreme opposite (very minimal), which does not seem like an agenda in this work, if i am not mistaken. some sections could be done that way if you would like to play with the image of details to make it small and insignificant, but with your story which i feel quite realistic, (good or bad for others, though i like) in fact, lower cased writing would make your writing less labored, behind the written pages of yours. laziness for lower cased writing on comment section here is fine and cool. however, if you'd like to fashion this novel more costly even with the limitation of casualness in tone and descriptions, i would not stick to the lower cased writing. also, when you avoid consistently lower cased text, you may discover unnecessary words and prose that only distract readers towards outside your text. but i don't know a fancier novelistic choice that well, so this could be just a trivial remark. i just think you have a great talent for an expensive writer.
Hey Chris – A quick note to say that I enjoyed reading this. There's a wonderfully brisk pace to your writing and a nice hermetic quality that others have mentioned, plus a sinister tone and effectively disturbing images. My main suggestion would echo Dennis's comments about trimming sentences that feel like exposition meant to help locate the reader. To me, the piece would be more effective if the reader is a bit behind the narrator, working to figure out exactly what's happening, the nature of the transaction and exact emotional complexities. Amp up the mysteries, basically. You've got a compelling voice and I think you can trust that the reader will be more than willing to do the work to fill in some things for themselves. If more thoughts jar loose, I'll email them to you later. Nice work, man.
Hey Dennis – The reading in Baltimore at Atomic Books was nice. It's a cool store and the staff has their act together. It was great to reconnect with Lucy Corin, who I knew ages ago as an undergrad. Her new book 100 Apocalypses seems super intriguging, if you haven't checked it out. Getting to hang out with her, Michael Kimball, and Megan McShea was the highlight of the trip.
BTW, Michael Silverblatt has asked a few times if you'd listened to the Bookworm interview he did about Mira Corpora? You're mentioned more than a few times. I know you've been insanely busy, but if you have a chance in the next few weeks it's on Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/kcrws-bookworm/jeff-jackson-mira-corpora
How's the new novel coming along? Is it still feeling like part of a larger cycle? If so, has it been helpful to start thinking about the larger structure at this point or will that come later?
For Proust love was far more about control than caring.
Trailer for The Skeleton Twins (I LOVE this movie.)
Hi Chris. Thanks for putting this out there.
For what its worth here is my 55 cents.
I hope it is constructive in someway.
The word “mark” struck me right off, what time are we in, is this period piece? Or maybe our narrator (Bobby) is pulling a street act – a well-read burb kid cigar carrotin’ a Burroughs skit; Edward G. Robinson via BugsThe Bunny. The word “Mark” also suggests, for me, that the narrator is going to jack Sam in some way but from the motive of Bobby… its all fair play, isn’t it? My suggestions: “dupe”, “mug” , “bitch”, “fool” .“tard”, “simp” ,”wanker”; its the thing with slang, like getting photographed all trend, it dates. I guess copping to the rhythms of the argot is more… well, rhythmic and it opens to anything; “Moe”, “Stewie”, “manatee” it don’t matter then.
I feel the same about the phrase “Rough Trade” (although I kinda love it and makes we want to blast "Warm Leatherette" )“thug” or “on the down” are more contemporary.
I don’t know if your having difficulties with the underage bar scenes? I have experience with this and with generous men. The Bars have brunches or tea dance afternoons, usually with no one at the door.
You just avoid the bar hit a table and order a coke and fries. But you want to play cool. If you’re young and cute you’ve already raised attention. No need to cruise a target. Cruising, like the slut drop has the scent of physical equality. With age difference the game is twisted. Someone will approach you within the social politics of a friendly conversation, cash will be mentioned indirectly “I am redecorating my 19th century brownstone. I need help moving furniture or painting” “ I own a business….
Anyway that’s just piddley shit. I enjoyed it, well done.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hi there, rewritedept. Things I liked: I liked the short paragraphs. You're a funny guy, and I liked the humor in this bit. To me, funny wins every time. Those are the only things I can really say about the bit because it's obviously taken out of the context of a larger whole. By which I mean, I can't, unfortunately, see any connections or layers just in this bit to other things throughout the novel. But I have a feeling they're there. And if not, make sure they are.
The bit of writing within this piece that I really loved was the bit that started with "what do you want to do tonight?" Loved how you intersected the bit about the key/love/caring/controlling throughout the dialogue. I hope you use that (appropriately) in other sections (by the preceding "appropriately" I mean to use it only when it's necessary; otherwise, it'd be too much and bore the fuck out of the reader).
Here are a couple things I had problems with. First, some of the writing -just a sentence here and there- is too expository. I think, for instance, that maybe you should consider talking about drugs and stuff like that as if the reader already knows (and if he doesn't, he'll figure it out). Otherwise, it's too much of a how-to manual that shouts, "Look at me, CG, who knows his drug shit." It will almost, at times, seem that you're more trying to establish "street cred" as a writer rather than telling a story.
The second thing is this (and something I think a lot of us, especially those of us who read a lot of transgressive lit and/or write it, have to think about): avoid cliches. It might not seem like cliche (young, gay, sarcastic, drug-using, cynical hustler), but to somebody who's likely to pick up your book it might be just "another one of those." You catch what I'm saying? I mean, it's unavoidable, given the subject matter, but there's gotta be something that separates this novel apart from all "the others." It's hard to do, and maybe it's unfair of me even to suggest it because I'm only seeing a bit that's part of a much larger whole, but I think it's something that you (and I and others like us) have to be conscious of.
Now for my nit-picky, line-by-line criticisms:
-"about a quarter of the way into the box, things take a turn." I don't like this. I think there's a better way of showing this without actually saying it.
-the nerdy guys says something "semi-mysteriously." I wouldn't say that. I'd just leave what he says as what he says without describing it for the reader. If it's really semi-mysterious, his actual words should be enough.
-I'm hoping that "(redacted)" is there for a reason and part of something bigger. I mean, why is this one guy's name redacted? It doesn't make sense to me.
-"whatever the fuck that means" after he uses "wild abandon." Really? From a young guy who uses words like "parched"? This guy seems too bright not to know what this means, especially because he uses it correctly.
-"the real one, not the one on the tv" – the placement of this is confusing. I thought you were talking about the table at first.
-The ATM card, where he keeps it, figuring out his PIN, etc. So this guy leaves his house to a hustler for a week while he's away and leaves his ATM card there and doesn't take it on his trip? Too unlikely to be believable.
-"i've seen you around before. bobby, right?" People don't talk like this. Maybe "you're bobby, right?" And just that. Or he just introduces himself. I mean, they've both seen each other around, they already know that they've seen each other around and are aware of each other.
-"i don't know, peter." close friends don't call each other by their first names when they're just talking. I know this is a way to introduce peter, but his name can be referenced later somehow without this type of awkwardness.
Dennis, Sorry for being so alarming.
The strangeness has actually suddenly stopped, making it even stranger. It was just that because of the strangeness, I totally read your response to me wrong, even with the knowledge of what I'd previously commented. In a sense, it was all in my head.
But not all. The strangeness did indeed exist, but it's on hiatus now, maybe forever. I don't want to detail it here on the blog. I may send a private email about it someday. It's really no big deal. It's just that it was very intense for a while and threw me for a loop.
Hmm, you know what, that's a pretty awesome offer there re: special bday post. I shall give you an answer Monday night my time. Okay?
I'm up late tonight and it's a Benadryl night. Yes, yet another damned allergy attack today.
I like a tall glass with interchanging layers of Jello and heavy whipped cream. That's some good shit.
@rewritedept
I'm really sorry, I got distracted this weekend and now I'm away from the laptop, but I'll definitely write my response to yr story tomorrow — it seems sweet, I'm looking forward to reading all of it
@Dennis
hey Dennis — I'm kind of running around rn, sorry I don't have too much to say
I'll talk to u soon, hope you had a nice weekend
jeff-
thanks, dude! glad you enjoyed. re: the expository stuff. a lot of that is going to end up excised. at this early stage in the writing, i try to include everything as i'm writing it, knowing full well that a lot of words, phrases, and in some cases, entire sections will not make it to the final run. i'm including them mostly as a means to allow myself to keep my bearings within the narrative, but once we get into editing, the sentences will end up streamlined and direct. thanks for the close reading!
hyemin kim-
duly noted. i'll keep it in mind. thanks for the kind words!
flit-
thanks for the crash course in hustler bar etiquette. i'll work some changes in to reflect it more accrately. 'mark' and 'rough trade' are probably gonna stay, for precisely the reason you mentioned. he's a middle-class, somewhat educated kid who wants to show off a little. maybe his jadedness is partly an act? you'll have to wait to find out, i suppose.
thanks for reading/enjoying! the critique was most appreciated. cheers!
misa-
thank you so much for the close reading and really great notes! the connections are there. mostly. re: the subject matter and possibly cliche protagonist. it's a worry i've had, ie. that the story is too derivative or reminiscent of other writers. i think as it gets into the later portions, it manages to leapfrog that worry. bobby shows himself to be beyond the cliche. i hope that happens, at least.
thanks for the line-by-line stuff, too. specifics are good, because that way i can see what i can change and implement to make things better. thanks, again, for reading so closely and helping out. i hugely appreciate it.
chris d-
thanks for reading! i would love to check out yr notes. you can email or message me on fb with 'en if you'd like. glad you dug it.
d-
cool weekend. thanks again. for everything. you rule!
how was yr weekend? filming? novel work? did you get to chillax at all? i hope so. relaxation is pretty croosh (crucial).
had a mellow day. listened to stereolab. got a torta. i love tortas.
my mom and i saw the cutest little chihuahua last night. she was up for adoption. little brown girl named dolly. she was even more docile than my mom's chihuahua, buttercup. i wanted to take her home, but we don't have an extra $250 to adopt another dog right now.
talked to my aunt up in reno. her dog, athena, who is the sweetest pit bull ever, has arthritis and needs stairs to get into bed and in/out of the car now. my cousin is working up at lake tahoe, pouting concrete. his son, tristan, is enjoying his summer break. he goes into first grade in a week or two.
thank you, again, so very, very much for ceding the weekend to my bumpy foray into fiction writing. yr close notes and everyone else's suggestions/words of encouragement were really, truly great and i totally appreciate it a whole bunch. hope yr summer is going wonderfully. talk soon.
love.
-me.
Dear Chris: Fun to see your work here partly because your name is familiar from here. Can't add much to the on-spot pro tips you have received so far. I too wd love more words like "jugen" and don't want to see all the cards or even the whole player right away. Comment ringing most true: our host's admonition to write what you are excited to say. I think that means that when you are excited, it shows, and that gets the reader also excited (or other transferred affect). As an author with very few readers, I have come to view the reader as an overrated component. Don't do that– it's going too far in the other direction. It's true you can't have the duende and see it at the same time– ask Mr. NY Poet himself, Federico Lorca. But then you wd know that being a rewrite man. I wish you success with the guys talking– what DO boys say to each other?? You might make it seem so special that I will realize I will never have the opportunity to hear it in person ever again and that your work is as close as I will ever come. Thanks for sitting in the seat that's hot, C-word/P-word
cap'm-
thank you for reading/the notes. all around, this weekend was super helpful in that everyone offered some really wonderful critiques, so i know pretty well what needs changing. glad you liked it!
rewritedept – the details you use allow the scenes to breathe and fit neatly in the thoughtspace the reader must create. things are very direct and clear.
you have a remarkable eye for location. of how people talk there. how things should feel. as well as enough taste for what about the setting is important for conveying your lack of any organized pretension.
your knowledge of these subjects is remarkable, and they are becoming sympathetic, afraid to feel and attach. grasping for whatever control they find, even if it means screwing over those at a similar level of discontent.
with how good you are at capturing these scenes, succinctly, i would like to see some scenes where you do this, breathlessly, over the course of a few days, instead of the length of a conversation or rough sex.
since it is a first-person narration, it can hard to decide whether it is being thought or being written, and it'd be nice to see you take advantage of that. use the some of usual confusions to open up the world a little bit. because the world feels maybe too intimate, which runs in the face of the main character's appropriation some street-wise temperance. he is zoned-in to what is happening. so focused on the hunting, that the reward ie: heroin will suffer from his attention to the mark. who hardly exists in the scene. more like a blow-up doll.
some of the archetypes you are using, feel maybe too familiar. for example, it would have been nice to hear that the tongue kiss was not without quality, it would have been a nice juxtaposition with so many things lacking definite qualities. i mean, everybody has at least a few stupid talents.
some of your emotional responses are misguided. what is described as amazing is not actually amazing. a potent dose of heroin is not surprising.
i can appreciate the vague indifference though and you are good at it, but maybe if you used it more discriminately, it would retain its impact better. maybe as the main character is drug kicking and screaming to the source of this dry mootness.
i can't help but add. i didn't like the jump cut stuff when it was in fight club, and i think it adds even less here. no need to rely on filmscript techniques to write a book. their are plenty of superior book techniques that film can't.
its too quiet. music! if you're here, you probably have good taste in music, so more music everywhere.
i really think it has potential. with some visual exposition, humanizing idiosyncrasies, and creative editing, you could build something really cool.
the narrator kind of reminds me of the tall angel in "angel a". where she was like, but this is what you wanted and the main character is like, not if it looks like this, and it means putting yourself through this.
don't lose your confidence. there is a lot of good underdeveloped things here. don't be afraid to let it develop.